As I prepare for this missionary adventure, I am sorting through many emotions and decisions. Trying to work, fundraise, move, go to training camp, etc. can be a bit daunting but also pretty glorious as I rely on G-d to lead the way.
However, I am human and the things which concern me at the moment look like this:
What if I fail the physical at Training Camp?
What if I don’t raise all of the money in time?
What if AIM rejects me for some personal reason?
What if something happens that is out of my control?
And each of these concerns, at the core, points to a fear of being deferred to August or indefinitely.
“On the surface, this may not seem like a huge deal. So what? I leave seven months later. But that would mean seven more months of living in America. Seven more months of having to stay in shape, when I’ve been prepping for the physical like a high school math test (Get the A and then it will be okay to promptly forget everything (Actually that’s not true, physical fitness will be important throughout the Race, but still)). And basically, putting my life on hold for an additional seven months. Seven months of waiting. Seven months of work. And even then not being sure if I will get the thing that I am hoping for- i.e. leaving for this trip.
In the Bible, Jacob works for Laban for seven years under the impression he would get to marry Laban’s daughter Rachel in return. Because he loved Rachel, the seven years felt like only a few days. But on their wedding day, Laban fooled him and gave him Leah instead, because she was the oldest, and told Jacob he had to work for him another seven years in order to marry Rachel too. (Genesis 29:15-30)
It’s impossible to read this story without wondering what I would do if I were in Jacob’s position. Kill myself? Elope with Rachel? Cut my losses and go back home, or go somewhere else entirely?
But Jacob stays. And the thing is, it says the first seven years passed quickly. It doesn’t say that about the next seven years. I think when you work for something, knowing your reward, it is easy. But when you are delayed, when your plan gets messed up, when you are treated unfairly—that is something else entirely. Time drags on.
I don’t know that I have the resoluteness that Jacob had. Here I am, afraid of being delayed seven months, when he was delayed seven years. But I want to develop that trait- to be able to endure a hard situation and not give up. I want to be okay with G-d’s timing unconditionally. And, at the same time, to be wise and not be delayed unnecessarily (Did the man who once wore fake arm hair to impersonate his brother not think it important to double check the identity of the woman who got into bed with him?? (Genesis 27: 1-29) But I guess that’s beside the point. Whether I succeed or fail in the things I attempt to do, my life will go on, and at that point, I want G-d to be the one directing it.
Please pray with me that I may leave in January as I would like to. But come what may, let me serve G-d wherever I am, loving Him so much that seven years feel like only a few days.”
**I tried to put into words what I was feeling when one of my squadmates wrote it perfectly. Therefore the majority of this post is quoted from A. Hable
