Helpless… I don’t even know how to feel right now. I know I am being too self-absorbed yet at every turn I feel like I am reminded of myself. This truly sucks!
On April 21st I injured my back. I was playing around and landed wrong and heard a pop and felt some real pain. In that moment, I didn’t know what was next, when I finally made it to my bed I lay there and lies of the enemy came in on how I was going to have to go home and this and that. I spoke them out loud to Tee and then we prayed against them and God’s peace flooded me. What was amazing is how many people prayed for me. And on the flip how I was forced to a position where I was having to have faith for my own healing. The first couple people who prayed over me, I can honestly say, I didn’t have any faith that God was going to heal me. I simply was indifferent and agreed on the outside but on the inside, I felt dead and defeated. I had talked to my mom and she thinks it is possibly a herniated disk but we are not declaring anything and are believing for my healing. My mom advised me to not carry my pack, and not to lift anything over 10lbs. Which seems easy until you realize you are on the World Race and you are moving locations in 2 days and live out of a backpack that is 42lbs.
To say the least, I am learning to receive. But to be honest it is one of the hardest things and I suck at it… The hard part is my heart. My heart feels like a solid jagged edged rock. I am being forced to receive but my heart is so bitter when I am receiving. I am so used to being able to be the strong one, the one who can help lift the packs up on the bus and the one who looks extra hard to find things that I can use my physical body to do. I love movement and exercise and all the alike. I am the one who gets up extra early to include exercise and challenge my body and test my muscle strength. And now I am the one having to sit in the background and be physically still. I am the one who has to leave my backpacks in the bus and walk out awaiting someone else to carry my stuff for me. I am the one who can’t just pick up my backpack when it falls down. I am the one who has to rob my body of movement. And I hate it.
I thought it would be easier. But I feel like I am reminded of it at every turn. I feel like a weak link.
This is the morning of our first day at our ministry site. I slept motionless on my stomach all night, awoke to my PJ’s drenched in sweat (India may or may not be kinda HOT…) and a sore neck (b/c I slept frozen on my stomach). As I transitioned to sit up I was quickly reminded that I was still injured. I grabbed my water bottle, toilet paper and Bible and ventured to the squatty potty. At the squatty, I quickly became grateful that there was already water in the bucket because if not I would have had to reach down into a well and lift water out with a bucket so that I could have water to flush my poop down the squatty. I made it past the squatty, and finally was able to start my time with Jesus. Quickly after, I heard the click click of a jump rope tapping the ground. Yet another reminder that I couldn’t do that. My heart is not right and I feel like I could explode. I am constantly reminded of the things I have to “let go” for a temporary amount of time. And in every reminder, I am reminded of how self-absorbed I am. As I sat there and let all my junk out before Jesus (complaining about x,y, and z), He sweetly whispered in my ear that this month in India would be the best month thus far if I would allow it to be. I quickly had some rebuttals on my lips. He also told me that I needed to claim my miracle of healing and to move on. I am getting healed in India, but until then, I need to let every little thing I can’t do be a reminder of His goodness. Every person who leaps to help me with my pack is a straight up blessing from God. Every person who grabs my load and reminds me to take it easy, is a blessing from God. Jesus knew this moment was coming and He has already placed the people in my life to help me. I don’t know why it is so hard to receive. But it is a heart check that is exposing my flaws. If I can’t receive in the physical how am I to receive God’s love and truths for me? In Heidi Baker’s book Compelled by Love she mentions how the poor have taught her that “we must receive just to live”. Think about that for a minute… “We must RECEIVE just to live.”
“…just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.” (Colossians 2: 6-7)
If I am struggling with receiving and have a bitter heart toward receiving in the physical, how then am I receiving the fullness of what God has for me. How am I receiving Christ Jesus as my Lord and Savior? How am I receiving my identity in Jesus? How am I receiving faith from Him? How am I receiving His love for me and having a heart that is overflowing with thankfulness? If you don’t first receive, how then will you give away? And if you don’t receive with a right heart, then how will you truly receive. To receive something in the fullness that God has created it to be, I believe that it will change you, the fruit of it will be evident.
Whatever you focus on you empower, but when you focus on God you are empowered (Toni, World Race coach).
This is just some of my thoughts and struggles at the moment. Hope you can relate in some capacity and that you are able to fully receive whatever God has for you in your current story called life.
Love you all and can’t thank you enough for all the support that you give to me.
Live loved,
Micaela
