Learning how to love is difficult but I don’t think its near as difficult as it is to learn to be loved. I know God, I follow God. I believe He sent His son to die on a cross for my sins there for He must love me at least a lot right? Thats something that I knew in my head but not my heart. For whatever reason it is hard for me to accept the Heavenly Fathers love. I have known this for a while but never thought it was hindering me and the Lords relationship therefore I didn’t think it was something to change. Lord of course had other plans.
At this months debrief we had the opportunity to join up with 3 other squads and have the Awakening Conference. The first night was just going to be worship and a meet and greet. As soon as the first note was played in worship I felt refreshment. There is something so beautiful about corporate worship that can not be replicated. I started dancing and yelling instead of singing, I felt as if I got my joy back. Through out the next few days I was able to be prayed over and I kept receiving the words Loved and daughter over and over and over again. I felt like the Lord was going to do something in worship the last night of worship because of how many times I had heard it. I was thinking to myself, “BREAKTHROUGH TIME!” Then the last night of worship was there and I went to the back of the room to dance freely and I said, “God Im ready to receive all that you have for me.” and I got a vision of a sunflower. God spoke to my heart and said, “This is you, you are my sunflower.” That was the first time I felt as if the Lord was a Father, thats a nick name for a daughter and its very close to the one me and my earthly father calls me. Then I got a vision of a different kind of flower being given to me. I took it. Then a different kind of flower, and I received it and then I was given another flower and this went on a few times more. Then the Lord asked, “How many flowers is it going to take for you to believe that I love you. Marissa, your looking for a break through when all you need to do is accept it.” Then I said out loud through laughing tears, “I am a daughter, I am loved, and I am the beloved. I was worth it.” Then I experienced something new from the Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit laughter, My joy had been returned to me. Then I got a vision of a Tulip and I asked God, “Whats this one for?” and He replied, “This one is just because. Marissa I have over 1,000 kinds of Tulips.” Then I knew that God would of gave me at least, at the very least! 1,000 Tulips for me to believe that I was loved.
