In the last month I have only posted one of the six blogs I tried to write.
Why?
No, I wasn’t off the grid. No, I wasn’t too busy. No, I wasn’t without Wi-Fi.
The honest answer is that my fifth month in Asia was by and large the most difficult. Although Vietnam was incredibly hot, it wasn’t as physically challenging as other months have been and our ministry was certainly not lacking!
I was privileged enough to work alongside a great new team, with a more than welcoming host, at a kindergarten with dozens of joyful children! From the outside looking in, we were set up very well.
This month was challenging because I personally couldn’t say anything. We we’re in a closed country, under internet surveillance, where we could not walk and talk freely. But in truth, I put the tape over my own mouth.
I missed my family, my freedom, my country, my rights, my friends, my lifestyle. I knew that I was signing up for a year of unpredictability, of sacrifice, of discomfort. It wasn’t until I watched my classmates graduate without me, my sisters celebrate a milestone, my grandfather go through chemo, and my friends get new jobs that I felt homesick. I was missing out; missing weddings, holidays, and funerals.
If I wasn’t getting bad news, I was reminded of the great things I wasn’t apart of. If I’m being totally honest, there are aspects of the Race that are difficult, frustrating to operate under. I was homesick, frustrated, and frankly allergic to Asia. Instead of feeling critical of the American dream, I truly began to appreciate it.
These emotions followed a week of drastic change: Team changes, role changes, country changes, squad changes. There were so many boundaries placed in front of me and limitations placed on me…it begins to wear you down.
I hadn’t been alone in months. I couldn’t go wherever I wanted whenever I wanted. I was on someone else’s schedule. I was being asked to “perform” for the sake of the Gospel. I was given restrictions and denied freedom.
Not only was my life at home going on without me, my life here was going on without me. You know the saying, get on board or get left behind…or something like that.
Then I was reminded of all the reasons I originally came, all the beautiful experiences I have had, all the amazing people I have met, and all the things ahead. My perspective shifted; I was eager for the upcoming countries and expectant for new encounters and opportunities.
Once I stepped out of a busy and frustrating season and crawled back on board, I caught wind of some opportunities lying in wait back home. After a few days of prayer, I heard some difficult news from my sister and then got word of an unexpected obstacle, something that would potentially require my return stateside.
Now that I had resolved to stay, there was a very real possibility that I would have to leave. I was confused, exhausted, and responsible for 28 people as we prepared for inter-continental travel.
I barely slept and barely ate over the next few days. I only talked to a few people, I paid all the bills, arranged all the transportation, booked lodging, crossed boarders, and handled all the semantics in-between.
Once we all landed in Europe and got some rest and food, I said goodbye to one of my best friends and our teams split up again. This month we do not have an organized host or a set schedule, we are free to go wherever we feel called. My team ended up staying in Sarajevo, and spending a few days in a remote mountain village.
At this point, I am off the mountain and back in the city, preparing to move again. I recognize that I haven’t blogged in weeks and feel that I owe you all some sort of explanation.
As I write this, I have received word that certain offers will stand when I return from the Race, and my prayers for financial provision to stay in the field and healing for loved ones have been mostly answered.
In summary: I am not coming home early. I love my squad, I am glad to be in Europe, I am jazzed for Africa, I miss my friends and family, I am in need of prayer, and I am more grateful than ever for my freedom, my home, and my loved ones.
This year is not necessarily what I expected, but I am blessed to be here. I know this year will be what I make it, and I refuse to let the course of my Race be determined by outside factors. I know there is so much more in store and I am determined to keep my eyes on the prize!
I am writing this because I want to be real about where I am at. I have been asked to use this platform on a regular basis to communicate my journey, however I see fit. I don’t believe in sugar coating things and want to be honest about my experience.
At this juncture I am blown away by the Lord’s provision, I have learned to ask for the things you need, I recognize the sanctity of alone time, I am attempting to be more graceful, I miss home, and I am more excited than ever to pursue that which lies before me (on the Race and afterwords).
During training camp they told us, “this will not be the best year of your life.” It’s true. That being said, I am in a pressure cooker (both literally and figuratively) and some of the best things are created in the process. This year is nothing to wish away, it is necessary: it is a year of obedience, of learning, of growth, of experience.
I’m making lemonade.
