Control is a funny thing. Often times, it’s a figment of our imagination, something we don’t actually possess at all. But still the struggle for it impacts so much of our lives.
This is a stronghold in my life that has been brought to my attention in my short time on the Race.
Now, those of you who know me know that I’m perfectly fine with any/everyone else running most everything. In fact, I often strive to NOT be the one to take the lead. Because of this, I’ve always kind of prided myself in my willingness to relinquish control and discern when to just step back and follow. However, this is where my control-freak side resides (as I have been learning in the last 2 months). Often times it’s not discernment that keeps me from taking the lead, or even just voicing my opinion/advice, but rather fear of not doing it perfectly. I want to control how I communicate with people and how they receive what I have to say so much that I often don’t even try because I don’t think I’m prepared to achieve perfection in it, or because I don’t think that it will be understood exactly how I want it to. So, ironically, the outward appearance of my willingness to relinquish control is due to my inward fight for control.
In short, I struggle with control in a way that I wasn’t aware of.
At first glance, this didn’t seem like something that I needed to prioritize as far as issues in my life to address. There are many other things that affect the others around me, but this was just something that I should work through for myself eventually…or so I though. It was brought to me through two different women who have spoken so much wisdom into my life, Erica and Denise, that I’m stealing from my team (and others I come in contact with) the wisdom of Holy Spirit that He’s trying to speak through me. This silence isn’t just a personal issue, but a sinful pattern that holds consequences for many, not just me. There’s growth that I’m supposed to be calling my teammates to that they’re missing out on when I choose to remain silent. There have been some instances that mistakes we’ve made could have been avoided if I would have spoken up about concerns God was laying on my heart. There are entire conversations with strangers that have blessed my teammates that I’ve missed out on because I’ve allowed my fear and control to hold me captive.
In short, in my fear of not communicating at all, I’ve found the only way to control it is to often not communicate at all. I’ve been sinning through remaining silent.
This was something Holy Spirit showed me 2 ½ weeks ago. Later that same day, we were having worship as an entire squad. Between songs, one of the girls shared a picture she saw of how we often see our relationship with Christ as “the least-fun game of hide-and-seek ever”, because we’re curled up on the couch hiding under our blanket of shame, trying to hide from Him. Even when He’s turned on the light, and we know He’s standing over us, we still remain under the blanket, convincing ourselves that He can’t see us. So she encouraged us to identify what we’re trying to hide under, throw it off and stop trying to hide from God.
After she was finished with this description, God continued to talk to me, telling me that He’s standing there inviting us to join Him in seeking out others and bringing light into their lives. But that can’t happen unless we throw off the blanket of shame we’re hiding under. He told me that we could each spend this entire Race hiding on that couch. He then told me that I was supposed to walk to the front and share this with the entire squad. Immediately I was gripped by fear. My heart started pounding, my mind racing, trying to sort through and plan how to say this. But God interrupted me and told me to just shut my mind up because He’d already planned it, and I needed to trust His ability to perfectly communicate this through me. I stood there, trying to refuse to do as He was asking. Then, in the most gentle impression upon my heart, God convicted me that if I was going to really trust Him with this part of my life, it needed to start here, in this moment. So I chose to trust, walked up front, and shared what He’d told me. It was the completion of what He’d shown to my squad mate, and it seemed to hit home with many in the squad.
This is obviously something that affects many beyond just me. The past two weeks have consisted of many apologies, requests for accountability, and multiple attempts to communicate my heart (which often fails, but people have extended grace and allowed me to try again). It’s been a mess, but it’s a kind of free that I have never experienced.
Financial update, I am about $2,000 away from being fully funded. This is due by mid-January, so there’s only 1 ½ months left. Please prayerfully consider partnering with me in this journey, both in prayer and finances.
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God bless,
Madi
