“There is this storm raging inside me. Beckoning to me. Every minute of everyday. Thunder crackling through. Lightning brightening up everything for a split second. The quake of the earth. The rain coming down with water droplets the size of hail. Just pouring and pouring and pouring. And thunder and lightning and thunder and lightning. Anger and frustration and confusion. Anger shooting through like electricity that strikes the ground to leave its burn mark. The thunder roaring in agony of frustration that echoes through the soul. And the constant downpour of confusion that never seems to cease. Its all never ending.
The dark night sky clouds the vast mountain it covers. The cold wind blows throughout the highest peak and the lowest valleys. It chills whatever it blows through. Chills to the very bone. Every hair follicle pricks up into goosebumps. Black all around. Utter darkness permeating everywhere. And all that is inside me. and. it. wont. stop. The storm seems to keep going despite the sunshine dying to break through it. It is as though it has a mind of its own.
I stand in the rain. Clothes drenched. Hair clinging to my body. The rain pouring down my face. I look up and before I know it I’m screaming at the top of my lungs and yelling and shouting and stomping my feet in the puddles. I have this inner growl in me that erupts just like the thunder. The bubbling inside me seems to grow stronger, and with it the lightning cracks the sky and the thunder competes to outroar me. But instead it feeds whats inside me. Deep, deep inside. And what lies there isn’t actually anger. It isn’t frustration, it isn’t confusion. What lies inside is a heart yearning for hope. Yearning for warmth. What really lies inside me, is a heart to love. A heart to hope. A heart that is warm.
Because what I feel doesn’t necessarily mean that is who I am. I’m not anger. I’m not frustration. I’m not confusion. That’s how I feel, but its not who I am. Not truly. Those feelings are overwhelming. It seems to overcome me, dictate me. Define who I am.
BUT THAT IS NOT WHO I AM
What is screaming inside me aren’t just the things I’m feeling. Its the things I hope for. What I need. Its a cry. Its a plea. Its a desperate call to the mountains that I can’t see, but know are there. I can’t even feel their presence, but I know deep down they’re there. But why can’t I see them? Why is the lightning crackling and the thunder roaring and the rain pouring? It’s blocking my view. Obscuring my perspective. Entrapping me in a never ending storm where I’m soaked and the mountains are so far away.
I sit down in the rain. Just feeling it. Feeling the rumble of the earth. Feeling the wind blow through, shaking my entire body. Making me tremble. Rendering me useless and I want to give in so bad. The urge to let go and give up shouts to me. Tempts me. Anxiety becomes my blanket. And here I am, stuck with no way out. No where to go. How do I stop this storm? How do I make the rain of confusion cease? How do I make the lightning of anger hold its bolt? How do I make the thunder of frustration mute? Is there anything I can do? Is there anyway I can make it stop? Will I ever see the mountains again?
No, I can’t do anything. I wait for the storm to pass. But maybe there’s a way to be occupied in the storm….
I stand up, close my eyes… and I dance. Its nothing fancy. A skip there, a hop here, maybe a little twirl to add flavor. And as I’m twirling, I bump into someone. Jesus. He’s soaked just like I am. He reaches out his hand and I take it and we dance and dance and dance and dance. As the lightning cracks, as the thunder roars, and as the rain pours, we dance. Soaked and drenched, we just dance. The storms still here, and I will have to wait for it to pass. It’s out of my control. But I can dance with Jesus until it passes. And this, this is where we have the most fun, where our bond grows the strongest, and our relationship grows the deepest. Because in the darkness of night, in the coldest of the wind, and in the wettest of the rain, I have all I need.
The mountains will come to sight with time, but first I must dance with my Jesus.”
This was the first blog I wrote on the field last year at the start of my own race. It was the beginning of a brand new season, I was terrified, and I had no idea what I was doing; but I was confident in where the Lord had called me. I knew he had me there on purpose and I was gonna press into that.
It’s strange to think I wrote that blog over a year ago. To see that the girl who wrote that blog is not the same girl who is writing this one.
And I can look back since then and see where life has taken me. To see everything that the Lord did in and through me. To see that even though I wrote that so long ago it is relevant to me right now with ending one season and beginning another.
Because honestly although I love being home, I also really miss my people. It hurts and sometimes I get sad I am missing out on seeing their growth. But something a fellow team leader and friend told me was that I grieve deely because I love deeply. That my hurting and grief over my people shows how much I truly love them. It has given me just a little glimpse into how the Father grieves over his own people because of how much he loves them. I get to bear the Fathers heart and that is a privilege.
So as I enter this new season of life, I choose to be confident that the Father has put me right where he wants me. That even though I may not know exactly what is to come, I trust that He does. That even though my heart hurts for my people, I trust that the Father is gonna take care of his kids. That even though I am not there physically with them, I can still love them and fight for them through prayer.
That even though I am terrified of the unknown, I get to grow in deeper trust and intimacy with the Father.
That He isn’t done with me yet.
That this is only the beginning of a lifetime of adventure with him.
Thank you to all who have supported me on this journey and know your support does not go unnoticed or unappreciated. Truly I thank you with all my heart.
-Kyla Cal
P.S- you can read the original blog here-Dancing to the Storm of Life it’s really the exact same thing but it’s where it all started
