The last two months I was in Johannesburg, South Africa and they were the hardest and best months of my race so far. Funny right? I thought so too. Upon arriving my team and I were met with a packed schedule and an immediate feeling of being overwhelmed. I felt like I could not breathe because that would waste time. Now do not get me wrong, busyness is good, but a favorite saying of mine is Jesus was busy, but never in a hurry. With ministry all day long, classes at the office afterwards, going home and making dinner, and then team time after we had no time to fully process our time here and what the Lord had in store for us. Or at least I did not. Ninety-percent of our ministry was evangelism. Shack to shack visits sharing the gospel with Africans from all over southern part of the continent. And this was a HUGE struggle for me. Why? Because going out and being intentional with every person you meet is exhausting when you find most of your energy by having alone time (aka introvert). Now being an introvert does not mean that I am not social. Ask anyone who knows me, and they will tell you I am very social. But being social does exhaust me. So going out into these villages, called squatter camps, was exhausting. The en after ministry two days out of the week we would have class at the office and watch encouraging and informative videos to help us in our spiritual lives. Again, very helpful, but also tiresome after several hours of intentional ministry.
And so for the first two or three weeks or so I struggled with ministry. It made me see that I cannot rely on myself to get through it. This is a weak area in my life that I needed complete dependance upon the Lord for. This also pushed me to pursue the Lord more in our relationship because to be honest, it was getting rough. On my part of course; God is a super compassionate and faithful God. He waits patiently until I get knocked upside the head and realize that I cannot do things on my own and desperately need him. I do this thing where I shut people out of what is really happening inside of me and only let people in a certain amount before they actually see what is going on inside my heart. I do not let people see into the realness of the pain and the hurt. Not smart. And because I do that with people, I did that with God. Still do that with him sometimes. And because of the busyness and the demand to be in tune with the Spirit it pushed me to make a decision. Keep shutting the Lord and people out, or take a risk and be transparent and let them in? In reality, God already sees everything inside my heart, so why try to hide things that he already sees and knows about? Why keep avoiding him when he has given me the opportunity to run into his arms just as I am? Broken and a hot mess.
One night I could not do it anymore. I went outside to try to be by myself because I started to cry and hit a breaking point. It settled in. I cannot do this alone. So I wiped my tears, walked into our bedroom where Alyssa was, and then started bawling again. And for ten minutes I cried and cried and cried as my good friend and sister just held me. She did not say a word and let me release all the pressure and expectations and striving of perfection that I had been placing on my shoulders for my whole life. A huge lie I have believed for a while now is that I am not enough. And back at the beginning of Botswana, so in November, the Lord revealed to be that I was not made to be enough for people and that I do not have to be enough for him. I can be just me. But it was not until February that it really sunk in and hit me that I am truly not enough, and that it is ok. I had become tired of trying so hard to be enough for people. Of striving for this unreachable and unattainable vision of perfection. I had had enough and I did not want to live like that anymore.
The tears did not stop there. Heck I still cry up to today. But the Lord has given me the freedom to be completely broken and a mess. He actually loves it because it shows how much I need him and he loves it when we see that we need him. And never fails to be there for us. He sends us people when we need them. He sent Alyssa to be a friend who would just sit and listen as I would process through what he was walking me through. In return, she started opening up to me and our friendship has never been stronger. He sent a sweet friend named Bonnie while I was upset and by myself and pushed me to a group of believers to pray over me. He revealed things to me through those people and they told me things that I needed to hear in that exact moment. He cares enough to keep pursuing me even when I run away or avoid him. He never gives up on me.
Then something cool started to happen. Freedom came. Slowly but surely. I started to feel free to be myself. Broken and all. If God accepts me just as I am, then why does it matter if people don’t? I can be me and that is just enough. So, I started to try it out and be intentional with the interns. The interns worked for Impact Africa which was the organization we partnered with during our time in South Africa. They were around 19-23 years and had just as much zeal and passion to follow the Lord radically as us world racers did. Now meeting new people is a little scary for me. I feel awkward starting conversations with new people so I usually let people come up to me. But the Lord was doing something new in me and I felt crazy for starting relationships with these new people.
It was one of the best decisions I made of my life.
Not only did the Lord reveal to me that I can be intentional with people and he has made me capable of that, but that intentionality does something. It goes beyond what words can say. Intentionality says you are worth pursuing. You are worth getting to know. You are worth my time and energy. You are worth it. And even if they had rejected me, which they didn’t, it would not have changed the fact that I am still enough for God. But thankfully they did not think I was too weird and befriended my quirky self. Friendships were made and memories were made that will last a lifetime. And all because the Lord pushed me to step out and be bold and take a chance. The question is always is it worth the risk. Is it worth the risk to get rejected? To have my hopes let down? To look like a fool? To put my heart out there to maybe be broken? Valid questions that can only be answered by God. Yes or no. Most of the time though, I find the answer to be yes. Because Jesus risked it all. He died and knew people still would not believe in him; but he did it anyway. And I want to look like Jesus in everything I do.
Saying goodbye to South Africa was bittersweet. Ready to be in the Philippines, but sad to leave new friends and an amazing country. Even though it was the hardest, most grueling, and most demanding two months of the race so far, it was my favorite. Because that is where the most growth happened. Where the biggest risks were taken. Where I was pushed the most. Where I found the presence of the Lord the most. I’m so excited to see what God has in store for the Philippines and the last three months of the race. Bye SA….for now 😉
-Kyla Cal
