Selfless or selfish? Serving or gaining? Me or them? What I want or what they want? Me me me. That’s all I think about. What can I gain? What can I get out of this? What can I feel from this person? What does this person have to offer me? I want what I want. I know what’s best for me…but do I really?
Do I really know what’s best for me? If I did then I’d stop watching those things. If I did then I’d stop putting those things in my body. If I did then I’d stop going back to that person who always ends up breaking my heart. If I did then I’d stop doing the very things that hurt me. But I keep going back…why? I keep hurting myself…why? Why do I keep doing the very things that cause me hurt and harm?
A hole. A pit. A well. Inside of us. Empty and dark. Lacking. Needing to be filled. It has a hunger and craving that needs to be satisfied. But no matter what I feed it, still it hungers. Still it craves more and more. The more that goes in, the more it hungers.
O soul why do you still hunger? Why do you still crave? I feed you and yet still you want more? Stop! Stop craving! Stop being hungry! But it won’t stop. Not until it’s satisfied. It’s ruthless. It’s cruel.
It’s human nature.
And my humanness isn’t enough to satisfy. I search and look and my humanness fails me time after time. Then I question, do I really know what’s best? Do I really know what I want? Because what I want isn’t feeding that craving in me. The craving made for more. The craving of hope. The craving to be deeply loved. Why do I crave those things?
Because they were put there. By who? By God.
My cravings were put in my to be satisfied by God.
Because he made me.
He knows what’s best. He satisfies, he fulfills, he is the selfless to my selfish. The service to my gain. The thought of others to the thought of me. Him him him; not me me me.
So why not turn to the one who won’t hurt me? Why not turn to the one who fills my hole and pit and well? Who makes it overflow. Then finally, finally my soul will stop searching, stop craving, stop hungering. Because my soul has met the one whom it was meant to find. The Lover of my Soul. God.
Now I want you to read that again, but instead of me saying this, I want you to read it as if this were you writing. See what the Lord has to tell you.
Thanks guys for reading. You da best.
-Kyla Cal
