God, why are you putting me through this?
Why did I have to go through what I went through?
Why are you asking me to do something I really don’t wanna do?
I left that in the past for a reason.
I don’t want what happened brought up again.
Do you know how hard I worked to bury that and shove that down?
And now you’re asking me to bring it all back up?
No way God, no way.
This is my thought process and continues to be my thinking as God has asked me to do something I really do not wanna do. He’s asked me to process through a series of events that happened last year and to bring up all the emotions with it as well. Mmmm, come again God? You’re asking me to go through something I already went through? No. Way. I’m not doing it. Nope. You can ask me to do anything else BUT that.
The way he asked me though was so inviting that I couldn’t say no for long. God does this cool thing where he talks to me in threes. In one day he brought up three different verses that said the same thing.
“For he wounds, but he binds up; he shatters but he heals.” -Job 5:18
That verse then led to this verse that I remembered when I did a bible study in Hosea last year.
“Come, let us return to the LORD; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up” -Hosea 6:1
And at this time I was finishing up the book of Psalms and look what sucker I find.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” -Psalm 147: 3
All of this came to me in one day, and when I read that last verse I heard God say clear as day:
“Kyla, you still have hurt and pain that needs healing from ME. I struck you down and tore you down, but I’m not going to leave you there. I promise to heal you, to heal your broken and shattered heart. You shoved all your emotions down, and I’m not going to let them fester in your heart any longer. My child, walk with me through this process. It’s going to be slow, and it won’t be easy, but I promise you I will be with you every step of the way.”
Wow, God I am so mad at you but you love me so much so I have to do what you ask but I’m not happy with you but I love you and UUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.
This is exactly how I feel right now. But this process has already brought freedom and the healing has begun. I still find myself angry at God, I still find myself shoving down my emotions, and I still have a hard time actually processing through it, but all of this has to be smaller than my trust in Him. I have to trust that He knows what He’s doing. I have to trust that He isn’t walking me through this out of spite, but out of love. I have to trust that He WILL heal me and that he WILL restore me. Because He isn’t just a promise maker, He’s a promise keeper too.
So no matter how many times I fail, how much I may feel frustrated and angry, how much I don’t want to do this, I remember that I desperately need what He has to offer. Healing. Healing that leads to freedom. And that freedom leading me to be free to be who He has called me to be. To strengthen my trust in Him and make it bigger than my fear. Because trust me, I am so terrified. Terrified I’m not gonna get this right, that I won’t show up to the table like he’s asked me to, that I will never be fully healed from what happened, that my sin and my shame will always have a place deep down inside me. Heck I’m even scared of my own feelings.
But my feelings are not truth. Jesus is truth. How I feel is not truth. What God says is truth. So if he promises me healing, it will come. If he promises a new self that is made by him, then he will lead me into that. If he promises he will be with me through it all, he will be. Guaranteed. And that is all I need to remember to keep showing up. To keep pursuing him. To fall deeper in love with him everyday. To finally be free.
