“My back leans up against a door. I’m sitting. Knees tucked in. Emotionless. Blank stare. Hard heart. Satan sits right across from me. Talking to me. Telling me things that I really don’t wanna hear, and he’s doing it with delight. He’s enjoying the torture on the inside that I am not showing on the outside. He tells me that no one likes me. Cares about me. He tells me I’m not worth the time of day. That everyone is supposed to be here except for me. That I’ll never ever be good enough for anyone. That how I feel doesn’t matter.
I don’t matter.
I’m a mistake.
I don’t belong here.
No one will ever love me.
I’m not pretty enough, funny enough, spiritual enough.
The things I did in the past will always follow me.
I will never get over my sin habits.
Everyone’s got it together except for me.
And on and on he talks. On and on each word that escapes his mouth hits at the core of who I am. Each lie oozes so easily from him and drips into my soul and stings like acid. But I keep the blank stare. Fighting the tears. Fighting how I feel. Upset. Sad. Frustrated. But he won’t stop talking. He’s relentless. He feeds off my non-responsiveness. He knows it’s getting to me. He knows it’s affecting me. And instead of him stopping, he goes deeper. Hits harder. Because he knows who I belong to. He knows of the things I’m doing for him. And he doesn’t like it.
So here I find myself, shut down, but pretending. Pretending I’m ok when I’m not. Shoving down my feelings because they don’t matter. Well, that is what I keep hearing isn’t it?
Then all of a sudden I feel knocking on the door behind me. Strange, because I’m the one on the outside. I stand up, and Satan stands up too. He gets louder. Starts yelling. He’s trying to drown out the knocking. The invitation to come in. Do I tune into his voice, or the knocking? I’m so confused and overwhelmed. I lean against the door, close my eyes, and feel the knocks. Feel the vibrations from them. My hand searches for the knob and I turn it and stumble inside and slam the door shut.
Absolute silence. I look around and am in a tall room. Four corners. All white. Floors, ceiling, walls. Absolute white. Then words appear on the walls. Scriptures. The words of God. Speaking to me. I do a complete 360 and words are everywhere. All around. I’m surrounded by them. No voices. Just words. Then the words begin to fall off the walls. They land on the floor and then come together. The words begin to create a figure. A person. Jesus. And he begins to talk to me. Says to me that he loves me. That he cherishes me.
That I am worth fighting for.
That I am worth dying for.
And the words that were on the walls come out of his mouth and they’re not just words anymore. They are power. They change my life. Change how I see myself. Change how I live. Change who I am. I no longer choose to listen to the voice of Satan, I choose to listen to the word of God. Because they’re not just words; they’re him. Speaking to me. Into me. Changing everything.
I no longer live by the words and thoughts of Satan; I live by the voice of God.”
I struggle very heavily with believing the lies that have been thrown at me, rather than the truth that God speaks into me. It is so easy to just sit and let Satan tell me everything that is wrong with me and the things I already don’t like about myself. It is so easy to shove down all my emotions I feel because I don’t want to deal with them. And it’s easy to let the voice of the enemy reign in my mind.
But I’ve learned the power of confession and vulnerability. That everyone has lies they believe and sometimes live by. That struggle is ok. Jesus did not die so that I could live by lies. He died so I could live to struggle freely, not struggle to be free. I already have freedom, I just have to choose it. Choose to let the power of truth extinguish the lies that seem all too real. To not shut down, but rather open up and out. To let trusted ones in to see the pain and struggle I feel. To find freedom in my vulnerability.
To live by truth:
That I am loved.
People care about me.
People care about what I have to say.
I have a voice.
I have a story that needs to be heard.
I am good enough.
I am beautiful inside and out.
My feelings matter.
I matter.
