I am sure all of you are wondering how things are going with the ministry in Kosovo. And as much as I wanted to update you, I couldn’t think of a single thing to write. It has been a full week and so many great things have happened, but my mind was drawing a blank. My fingers couldn’t type a single word. Lone and behold, our weekly due date for blogs came (and went) and I still didn’t have any material. So I did what any frustrated World Racer who is late on her blog would do: pray. And God gave me a mental clip. Of course He couldn’t have given me the words to write or a single picture to draw. No. It had to be a series of frames that created a short film. Well, since I can’t let you guys into my brain, I did my best to sketch out what He was showing me.
Over the course of my lovely 22 years of life, I have constantly struggled with shame, identity, and worth. I couldn’t really talk about any of my issues because I believed that doing so would make me look weak. So instead, I shoved all of the shame that I felt into a tiny little box. I could see it, but no one else could. I would go about my days living life, but the box was still in my view. No matter how much ignored it, pushed on it or stomped it down (I even threw some elbows) , it was still there.
This shame has affected my relationships with others, my actions, and my deepest thoughts. Earlier at training camp, God showed me that He wanted to start a new relationship with me. Cool. Awesome. Super. Except, I had no idea what that would look like. I didn’t realize that this new relationship would start with a change in me.
I was sitting in the church in Kosovo during one of our prayer meetings, when God interrupted my prayers. I tend to have a wandering mind in general, but I know this was from God. He showed me an image of that box of shame. From that box, a image of my past self stepped out (kind of creepy if you think about it). In that moment, I realized all of the crushing, stomping, neglecting, and ignoring I was doing was to myself. To my past and my present self. And I wept. I never allowed myself to mourn the pain in my life. I never allowed myself to feel certain emotions and work through them. It was easier to not feel. I was preventing myself from being everything God created me to be. God was telling me that if I truly want to grow in this new relationship with Him, I need to forgive myself and love all parts of myself. Even the messy areas that put me to shame.
One of the verses God put on my heart is Ephesians 2:8-10. “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”
Working through shame cannot be solved in one single moment. There may be moments that I slip back, but step by step I am changing. I challenge you to work through areas of shame in your life. Stories you would rather die than tell. Realize them and work through them with God. He wants so much more for you than to believe these lies. He wants you to live in the identity He created for you!
Love you all!
