Last week, as I prepared to head out on this crazy adventure, my biggest concern was not about the places I’d be staying at, whether I’d packed everything I needed, or even my safety.
My biggest concern was actually my hair.
I know that sounds conceited and even ridiculous, considering I had committed to 9 months in foreign countries with dubious living conditions with a small team of young adults with no experience abroad just like me, but it was something I was having legitimate anxiety over.
But for a long time, my hair was an important part of how I saw myself. When I was in elementary school, I was confident in my long hair and how it looked. I was coming out of the ponytail phase (where no matter what occasion my hair was up in a high tail and you’d better believe it wasn’t coming down) and was starting to become confident in wearing it down. Then, after having lice three times in one school year, I decided I was finished with long hair and the unnecessary risks it came with (aka lice all day every day) and cut it short.
Middle school arrived with a whole new bag of worries, and my new short hair. As my seventh and eighth grade years progressed, I suddenly became aware of the idea of “looks” and being “beautiful.” I discovered make-up for the first time, and heard about how my clothes were not up to snuff, according to our school’s designated “popular girl.” I despaired at my looks, feeling I was not at all pretty or beautiful.
High School came, along with a ramp up in school work, the pressures of having a social life, and my anxiety. Every haircut I would try something a little bit different. Thus comes the freshman year Christmas photo that I can now luckily laugh at, my hair was so atrocious. (Thanks mom, for telling me it didn’t look that bad when I came downstairs that night, but there comes a point where the ratio of loyalty to looking absolutely terrible becomes too drastic).
Sophomore year came, along with the hell of AP World History, and a little more experience in styling my hair. When Junior year finally comes around, I’ve gotten the hang of it. At this point in my life a lot of things were starting to get better, and that year was the year I finally grew into myself and became confident in who I was. And my hair was a big part of that.
It sounds rather silly, but it helped a lot when I could wake up in the morning and style my hair and be happy with how I looked. It’s like wearing a new pair of shoes, or trying on different makeup.
My mother always told me, “Appearances are important. Not necessarily because of how other people view you, though that’s certainly an large part of it. But because of how you view yourself.” And I’ve never found anything to be more true. I can’t speak for men, but I could infer that the feeling is generally the same. At the very least for women, it’s so invigorating and empowering to be able to dress up and say to ourselves, “You look great today, so today is going to be great too!” And that was what my hair meant to me. It meant I looked good, felt good, and that the day was going to go well for me. It was a huge part in accepting that I was, in fact, beautiful.
And now, I was committing to 9 months without that. To 9 months of thick, frizzy, uncontrollable hair and limited clothing and no make-up. It gave me a lot of anxiety. I spent days thinking about solutions, how maybe I could bring my mini hair straightener and somehow hook it up to a plug transformer.
I was terrified of not being able to control how I looked.
But… that was the point, wasn’t it?
I’m giving up control, giving up comfort, giving up my definition of “normal” for the glory of God. It’s not about me. But at the same time, I can be confident and know that my true beauty is found in the Lord. No matter how matted, how frizzy, and how nasty my hair gets, God sees beauty in me. The beauty of His kindness, His goodness, His love reflected in me. And that’s the only thing that really matters.
So no matter what happens I am committing not to 9 months with horrible hair. But 9 months of believing in the beauty I have that’s found in Jesus Christ.
