“Lord, why does my heart hurt? Why do I feel the way I do? Why is there a lot of fear overtaking my thoughts and heart?”
These are questions I had to ask the Lord several times this week.
This week I felt like I was going crazy, I cried like a baby for several days because I had so many emotions swelling inside me, mostly the feelings of sadness and loss.
I asked the Lord, “Is it because my heart burdens for the people of Jaco? Is it because you’re speaking to my heart and softening me so I can be sensitive to what’s next? Is it because you’re preparing me for something big? Lord what is it?”
My heart felt like a piece of it had been ripped off.
I couldn’t understand why my heart ached so much until two days ago. It’s for all those things and more.
My heart ached and still aches for the people of Jaco who live in this dark surf town. It aches for all the people I’ve seen on the race who are searching for hope.
My heart aches for all the goodbyes I’ve had to say and the goodbyes that are yet to come. (The goodbyes to people who have made an incredible difference in my life are the hardest to embrace, but I wouldn’t have changed the depth of those relationships.)
My heart aches because I won’t be there to see my friends in California get married. It aches for my friends and family who I miss so much.
It also hurts because there is the fear of going home. Home to a place where I haven’t lived in about 5 years and to a place where I don’t have solid community.
The Lord knew I needed to feel these emotions so He could show me how much people and community mean to me. The Lord also didn’t want me to close off my heart. He wanted me to feel and face the facts of what’s next. He doesn’t want me to be fearful, but to rest in His love and trust Him with the future.
Even when things are coming to an end the Lord has set eternity in our hearts.
