The past few weeks I’ve been in a funk. I haven’t felt this low in a long time. One day I woke up in China and I didn’t want to be awake. I didn’t want to breathe. Life was just too much that day. It was a day that I questioned everything I believe in. It was a day that I didn’t know who I was, who God was, or what the heck I was in China for. Anxiety was high that day. I don’t know what came over me. Nothing specific happened. I just woke up feeling this way.
I hadn’t had a day like this in probably two years. I remember before I started following Jesus, this was almost a normal feeling for me. I don’t think I knew what was happening. I thought it was just a normal thing and that if I just drank enough alcohol I would be fine. I thought that if I could get attention from guys that I would be fine. I thought that if I had more friends than anyone else I would be fine. I thought that if I could avoid any and all problems within myself, I would be fine. No one likes a debbie downer, or a negative nancy. So I didn’t need to talk about anything and I dang sure didn’t need to feel anything because ‘what would people think.’
It’s not really acceptable in a lot of cultures to talk about how we TRULY feel. It’s a weird thing to do. It’s easy to live in the ‘that’s no one’s business’ mentality. Often times we’re afraid to share because we don’t want to be judged. A lot of us have been hurt when we have stepped into vulnerability because we hear “you just want attention,” or “suck it up,” or “stop being dramatic.” I don’t think that these comments are meant to be hurtful. I think they come from this culture. I think the same people that give these comments or think these thoughts are feeling the same thing and we don’t know how to “fix” it or “make it go away,” so we shove it down and ignore it.
Since I’ve started my journey on the World Race, I’ve learned a lot about community. I’ve learned a lot about discipleship, and I’ve learned a lot about vulnerability. I’ve learned the value of trusting people that I love with my pain. I’ve learned the value of coming before the Lord totally raw. I’ve learned the value of meeting others in their raw moments as well. One of my dear friends told me recently that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more true statement. It’s so HARD for me now to hide what I’m feeling. I can’t, actually. I highly value authenticity and when I’m feeling something very deep I cannot hide it anymore.
Today we were invited to a house church. There’s a friend here in Kazakhstan I have been spending time with. I soon learned that her father is a pastor and they have church in their home. My friend has told me that her father has been a little discouraged lately because not many people have been coming. She said they have maybe one or two people come to church every week. Today we filled their home with my team of 7 women from America, 5 of their family members, and one more woman. We each shared a short version of our testimonies.
Eventually it was the pastor’s son’s turn to speak. He told us that he’s obviously grown up in a christian home, and he’s read the bible and attended church nearly every Sunday in his life. Then he said that he has come to the realization that he’s not sure if he really believes in God. He said that he doesn’t want to say that he’s a christian just because he grew up a pastors son. “I will say that I don’t follow Jesus every day,” he says. He really wants to know Jesus. So after sharing for awhile, he asked us, “Some of you have shared that you gave your life to Jesus at a very young age, but I don’t believe that you actually understood what you were doing because you are young. So I want to know – what was your turning point of when you gave your life to Jesus? I don’t believe it’s a one and done deal. I think falling in love is a process. So I want to know more details from you. How did you know?”
My heart broke. This is vulnerability. A preacher’s kid just sat in a room with his father, and 7 strangers from the other side of the world and showed us his true heart. I was in awe. I feel like I’ve been running into this question for myself lately. When did I know? When was my turning point? Was there one? Wait..do I believe every day? A teammate then shared her story of the moment she first knew that God was speaking to her. After this, time was up and they served us lunch in their home. We spent less than four hours with this family and I love them so much.
Later, we said our goodbyes. As we were standing outside their home waiting for taxis, I felt the poke on my shoulder. I was thinking about my friend’s brother inside and all of the times I have been down in my faith. I tapped Gabi on the shoulder and said, “don’t leave me I’ll be right back.” I ran back to the house and knocked on the door.
Of course I was balling when I told him, “I couldn’t leave without telling you this. I’m just trying to do what God is telling me. You asked us what our turning point was. I used to drink. A lot. I used to do anything I could to fill the hole that I had inside myself. I was very depressed and I didn’t want to be alive. That was my turning point. I had to believe in God. I had to have hope in him because I didn’t have hope in anything else and I didn’t see the point in life. I know someone at home who doesn’t understand Jesus. Who doesn’t understand who he is and doesn’t have anyone to help them understand who He is. This breaks my heart because I couldn’t imagine never having hope. But I know who my God is because I know what he’s done for me in my life. I remember the times that I have felt so alone but KNEW deep down that I wasn’t. I have been to 17 countries and I have seen the Lord do a lot of crazy cool things. But there are still days that I wake up and I don’t know. I don’t know what I believe. But I think that’s what faith is. It’s not knowing what’s real and what’s not real but CHOOSING to BELIEVE that He’s there. Choosing to believe that he’s never left you. Choosing to believe that he loves you. I don’t know if this is helpful to you at all but my heart is broken for you and I’m going to keep praying for you.”
He thanked me and gave me a big hug. I left. I will probably never see him again. But I’m choosing to believe that the Lord is going to reveal himself to my friend in ways that He never has before.
I write this for those of you who are afraid to speak about your pain. I write this for those of you who don’t understand why we should speak about our pain. I write this for those of you who wake up and don’t have hope. I write this for those of you who wake up and don’t know what they believe. I write this for those of you who know who you are, know who Jesus is and believe down to your bones. We were created to be the BODY of CHRIST. We NEED each other. We need God first, but we need each other. We were created to be in community, for days like this.
You’re not alone.
