What do you do when you realize your answers aren’t at the bottom of the bottle? My question is, ‘what do you do when you know where your answers lie, but you’re running away from them?’ I went through a time not too long ago when I was drinking a bottle of alcohol a day. Every day when I got off work, I was at the bar. All weekend, I was drinking. I kept saying to myself, it’s fine. I’m just a 22 year old having fun. When in the back of my mind I knew that I wasn’t just trying to have fun. I was running away. I didn’t want to be sad. I didn’t want to be mad. I didn’t want to be anything but drunk. I wanted to “have fun” all the time. I wanted a “care-free” lifestyle. I didn’t have a problem. I was just having fun.
I went to visit my best friend last spring in south Texas. She was living with her grandparents. Her memommy & pawpaw, were like grandparents to me as well. We went to bible study one night with a group of about nine or ten ladies who I had never met before. They were talking about forgiving themselves for the things they have done in the past. Everyone was sharing their stories and opinions. Then I felt it, the big guy’s tap on the shoulder. I thought, I’m NOT going to share. I don’t even know these people. So another woman told her story, and I felt it again. TAP. “NO!” I thought. Time went on. Then the leader of the group says, “Kaysha, I know you’re just visiting, but is there anything you’d like to say?” POKE, POKE, POKE! Then it all came out.
“I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a river bank, and Jesus is on the other side. He’s stretching his arms out to me, and all I have to do is jump. Leap into his arms. But to be honest with you, I don’t want to jump right now. I know exactly what I NEED to do, but for some reason, I just don’t want to. I want to keep swimming down the riverbank. I always think, ‘I need to go to church Sunday’. Then Saturday night rolls around and I don’t want to go to church, I want to go to the bar. Why? I have absolutely no idea.” As I’m saying these things I start crying. I’m staring at the floor and I can’t stop talking. I think I hadn’t actually said any of this out loud, so when I finally did, I just couldn’t stop. All these women must have been looking at me like I’m a crazy person. “Who brought this girl?” they must be thinking. I finally looked up. Each one of them told me they had been in my place at some point in time in their life. Whether it was drugs, alcohol, or even arguing with a loved one, they were there. They all prayed for me, and I haven’t been the same since. They weren’t judging me. They were beside me. They lifted me up. They gave me the push I needed to JUMP.
As I look back, I see that God was with me every single step of the way. Even though I admitted that I didn’t want to go to church, He never left my side. He saved me from drowning. I’ve realized I don’t have to doggy paddle anymore. That “care-free lifestyle” I always wanted, I’m living it. Sure I worry, I’m still human. I just know that God isn’t going to let me fail. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m going on the freaking World Race! God had a plan for me all along. I just have to jump, and keep jumping.
“The jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be… because of all I may become I will close my eyes and leap!” – Mary Anne Radmacher
