“How are you feeling? Are you ready? Have you packed yet? What are you most excited about? What are you most nervous about? What are your thoughts about leaving? Are you sad? Etc.”
All very valid questions asked daily. But with 8 days left, my thoughts, answers, time with God and emotions have been scattered like a kicked over ant pile.
For the last month of 2017, I felt NOTHING. Not excited. Not nervous. Not sad. Just nothing. The mere thought of sitting with Jesus to search my heart was overwhelming. So what did I do? Oh yea… I did NOTHING –(0/10 recommend that).
BUT even in my nothingness, God was doing EVERYTHING.
He has given people words of encouragement, spoken promises in prophecies, opened windows of time with family and friends, and immensely blessed me.
Here I am jaw dropped at the realization that I don’t deserve His unfailing love. Yet freely receive it because that’s who He is.
The thought of the New Year made my heart sink and my tummy flip. It came hard, it came fast and it felt heavy. So I did the only plausible thing a human would do… I made a New Years resolution.
I promised I would confront my feelings.
Confrontation produces reflection. Reflection yields emotions. Once again, I find myself strapped into the emotional roller coaster I’ve been actively avoiding.
Ironically, I LOVE roller coasters. The freeing feeling when you’re flying at high speeds. The adrenaline and fear pumping as you’re slowly clicking your way to the top knowing you’ve surrendered your life to hard plastic and a seat belt. The peaceful feeling of gradually raising your arms and opening your eyes as you slam to a halt. And all you can say is “lets do that again!”
Life with God is this. Except hard plastic turns to GOLD, fear turns to TRUST and you’re seat belt is GOD’S HAND. No matter how many dips, twists and turns the moment you surrender, raise your arms in praise and open your eyes to the blessings surrounding you, it’ll be the only ride worth doing over and over again.
2017 slammed to a halt for me. I blinked and it was over. It wasn’t the easiest year, I experienced a lot: pain, grief, heartache, fear, anxiety, loneliness, etc. BUT I received so much more. I was given restoration, healing, trust, peace, joy, growth, God’s heart/love and faithfulness, true friendship, GRACE etc.
With every tear there were twice as many smiles and laughs. Every anxious moment was covered in God’s abundant peace. Every doubt and fear was crushed by a promise that came to fruition. Every lonely lie was kicked by the comfort of a loved one.
So I’m leaving 2017 clinging tight to Isaiah 43:1-7, and I’m running full speed trusting in God’s promises while entering 2018 on my knees; arms high and palms open in complete surrender to God’s will.
I’m taking advice from Paul this year.
1 Corinthians 9: 12(ish), 19- 23(msg) “We endure anything rather than put up an obstacle in the way of the gospel of Christ. … Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous, moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized—whoever. I didn’t take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ- but entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I’ve become just about every-sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn’t just want to talk about it; I wanted to [live it]!”
2018 will be a year of complete surrender. 2018 I’m surrendering my comfort for the sake of the gospel. 2018 I’m surrendering my complacent relationship to search God’s face and fall in love all over again. 2018 I’m surrendering the Katie I know today, to discover the Katie God has created me to be.
It might be a new year, but it’s the same BIG promises by the same BIG God that has, is and will forever be!
I can’t wait to be challenged, searched, broken, built up, loved, sick, joyful, changed, transformed and completely and utterly reliant on the Lord this year!
HEY WORLD, I THINK IM READY FOR YA!!!
Much love,
Katie B!
