I remember it very clearly- it was the 6th day of Training Camp and it was pouring down with rain. It was so hard that we experienced the smallest of flash floods that forced us inside from our meeting point on the back patio. We were gathered there, in our teams, discussing the topic of our identity, a subject that we had just had a teaching on. More specifically, we were talking about the lies we had, or even still did, believe about our identity.
My thoughts had started back in the session- who had I made myself out to be to other people? The answer to that was easy- it was something I had even joked about with my squad as I got to know them. That lie was that I hated people- as an introvert, it was a very easy lie to cultivate, even as I spent hours messaging and video chatting with them. I definitely would prefer to spend every moment by myself, I would say as I stayed up until 4am on the group message.
These lies came from throwaway comments made by myself and those around me as we joked. That I was cold-hearted was one I threw around so much I began to believe it. “I am an awful person,” I would say in jest.
It was an identity I wore and held close to my chest, clinging on to it tightly, as if revealing the real me would show a weakness that I wasn’t willing to be a part of me. It was a point of difference between me and my peers- an attention grabber laid out by someone who felt the need to be special because she wasn’t confident in who God had made her to be. It was almost saying that who I was, wasn’t enough for those around me.
I remember, as I started to talk, that I started crying. “I don’t know why I’m crying,” I said. I didn’t then, but I do now. That was the moment I voiced the lies I had believed and replaced them with truths. That was the moment I threw of the cloak I had been holding close and let myself, and others, see who I really was. It was the first time I spoke into my true identity- the statement that I was an encouraging and caring person was almost foreign and scary. I cried because at that moment, I didn’t know who I was. If I was encouraging, then what had happened to my cold-heartedness? Who was I if not the person I had believed myself to be for the last 10 years?
It took me a few days to sort out my thoughts and even now, 3 weeks later, I still catch myself as I start to say, “I am an awful person”, in response to a joke I had made or something else I had just said.
The truth? My cold-heartedness was objectivity- the ability to see a situation without emotions clouding my judgement. My ‘hate’ of people? My love of solitude (even as I write this, I am almost 2 hours into a walk I took for the purpose of being alone). It doesn’t mean I don’t like people- I enjoyed the hour I spent with a friend over coffee earlier today and the movie I watched with my sister- it was a huge lie that I couldn’t love people and also love my alone time.
And what does God say?
You are caring. You are loving.
This is something I now find joy in everyday. I am a loving, caring, and encouraging person and I will celebrate my new found identity for some time to come.
