Our understanding of God is based largely upon people in our lives that look like him, act like him, speak like him, etc. Therefore, our understanding of his character can be learned through our relationships with people in our lives- role-models, coaches, teachers, parents, friends, and other close relationships. We are relational beings. When God created Adam he said, “It is not good for man to be alone,” and thus created Eve. We were created for relationship, with God and with one another. As Christians, we are called to be instruments of his love and ambassadors of his truth. When he put his reputation in our hands, he confirmed that we have influence over one another.
Human relationship is our only basis to measure what a ‘relationship’ looks like outside of our relationship with God. We know that we are made in God’s image. He is our Heavenly Father. So doesn’t that mean that our earthly father as well as each of our earthly relationships have something to do with how we view God? We all have an earthly father. Some of those earthly fathers have set good examples and some have set bad examples. But I would argue to say that whatever yours was to you, however you saw him- whether that be provider, abandoner, neglector, care taker, hero, role-model, etc. had some type of influence on how you view(ed) your Heavenly Father. When I hear father I either think Abba or Rob Reynolds. To me, they’re both father. They fulfill similar ‘roles’ in my life of care-taker, provider, advice-giver, comforter, patriarch, etc. Some of the ways I look to them are similar as well- reverence, love, admiration, trust, respect, and wisdom. I’d say I’m quick to call out to both of them in times of trouble and times of joy.
What an intimidating honor it must be for parents to know they are their child’s first representation of love. They have the God-honoring duty of protecting, providing, and caring for their child. Ideally, the child learns trust, compassion, loyalty, comfort, etc. from the parent- ALL of which are qualities that God shows us as father. That God-honoring duty can’t be done perfectly though as we are all human. There are times we mess up or our parents (or friends/significant other/siblings/fill-in-the-blank) have messed up. I don’t think anyone reading this has escaped being emotionally damaged by another person. Maybe you’ve been lied to, cheated on, verbally, emotionally, or physically abused, betrayed by a best friend, have been stood up on a date, bullied, or been victim to someone not following through on a promise. Maybe someone has made you feel like second best, an under-achiever, not good enough, etc. It’s important to consider even those seemingly insignificant moments like a passive aggressive comment, back-handed compliment, words of resentment/bitterness that rubbed you the wrong way, or shame that’s crept into your heart. It doesn’t even have to be something that someone has done to hurt you; maybe it’s what they haven’t said or done that’s caused the deepest wounds. Some may even stem from how you have treated yourself. There are countless examples of where our emotional wounds have come from. We have all been hurt. How does that impact how we view those around us? How does that impact how we view God?
It’s difficult not to allow where we’ve been hurt in the past affect our other relationships in the future. For example, if a person is cheated on, they may have trust issues or insecurities about their worth in their next relationship. When we sweep the pain under the rug and don’t seek healing, we hold metaphorical punching bags up over our hearts waiting for the next blow. When we do that, we place ourselves in a position of defensiveness and let others suffer the consequences of someone else’s behavior (including our behavior of avoidance to heal from where we’ve been wounded).
It’s important to recognize that we are subject to being wounded in even our healthiest relationships. To use an economics term out of place, that’s the opportunity cost of being close to people. Even those we love and trust the most are bound to fail us, disappoint us, or hurt us at some point because we are imperfect human beings.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” -C.S. Lewis
When I was about 12 years old, I had a front row experience to the frailty of human love. It didn’t even have to be a front row experience really, but my heart made it one. An adult in my life that I looked up to had an affair. That affair gave life to a lot of other hurt, as sin often does. It seems dramatic to say that it shattered me, but I was an extremely sensitive over-thinker/feeler as a child. I recognized then that what happened had absolutely nothing to do with me. But at the time, I think I put certain adults in my life on a pedestal and thought they could do no wrong. I didn’t know what to do with the hurt in my heart or how to heal it and grew confused and angry. I questioned if I could/should ever fall in love, get married, or when to know if I can trust someone. I was at war with the enemy in my mind as he tried to unravel what I knew of trust, love, and self-worth. One day I was sitting at the dinner table talking through it with my parents and I told them, “If I were to ever cheat on my husband, I would want you to never talk to me again. Talk to him and love him as your child and not me.” My Dad quickly responded saying, “We would still choose you and love you no matter what.” At the time it made me mad and tears spilled down my face. But as I reflect back and picture myself at the dinner table, I can still feel the intensity of that moment- feeling mad but fiercely loved. It reminds me of the story of the Prodigal son. A son asked his father for his inheritance early and went off to a faraway land and spent all of it foolishly. A famine came and the son found himself desperate. He decided to go home and plead that his father hire him as a servant. But when he returned home, his father was waiting with open arms to embrace him and had a celebration for his return (Luke 15:11-32). The story shows the forgiveness and LOVE that Abba, God the Father, has for his children.
In that instance, my earthly father showed me the love of my Heavenly Father. God-honoring duty fulfilled, A+, gold star for Rob.
But what if he didn’t? What if I didn’t have examples like that from my earthly dad? What if I never had the example of what a father is supposed to be? Would I view God differently?
The truth is, I don’t know. I don’t know what it would look like to understand the role of God as Father without having a basis of understanding for the father’s role. But hear this- my relationship with God as my Father is not dependent on whether or not my dad is a ‘good’ dad or a ‘bad’ dad. My relationship with my earthly father does not define my relationship with my Heavenly Father. It’s a means to teach, to exemplify, and a way for God to reach me through the vessel of my earthly father. It holds influence. Just as someone abandoned by their earthly father may be influenced to question God’s faithfulness because of what they’ve been taught by example. They step into relationship with God re-defining the role of the father.
Even though my dad has exemplified many attributes of Abba Father throughout my life, that doesn’t mean he is a father without failures. He has messed up. We all have. And that’s my largest point in writing this blog to preface our understanding of relationship with God. It has to be re-defined. Of course it has influence from our other relationships- that’s how our human brain begins to understand it. There is beauty and danger in what we learn from our relationships with human beings because of the influence they have on our hearts and minds. I’ve heard numerous stories of people having a poor experience with the church and then walking away from the faith entirely. The problem with this is that in this scenario the “experience” has been equated with the character of God. The offense/wrong-doing/pain-point shouldn’t have the power to 1) label the church or 2) define God’s character. If the person walking away from the church in this scenario has a full understanding of Christ’s redemption, they’d see that labeling the church as a whole with the negative experience is like labeling the sinner with their sin. Walking away from God because of the decisions/actions of human beings is placing these humans on a pedestal and projects human failure onto an infallible God. The enemy wants to use where we’ve been wounded to build a wall of between us and God, and between us and others. The enemy tries to use the frailty of human love to teach us to isolate, pull back, and not to trust. God tries to use the frailty of human love to teach us the strength of his. Which lesson are we going to learn? Which voice are we going to listen to?
Just some extra points to think about:
-Are there emotional wounds in your past that are keeping you from experiencing the fullness God has for you in relationship with him and others?
-Are you projecting any negative human-like qualities onto God?
-Is your relationship with the Father defined first and foremost by the truth of scripture or by your relationships with people?
-Are there lies you’re believing from the enemy about the cause and effect of living in relationship with God and community?
