This is the story of how mini golf changed my life.
For the majority of my life I lived enslaved, unknowingly, to a lie. To the untruth that I was incompetent. This became my everyday reality. To me, the word incompetent and my name may as well have been used synonymously. Being so sure that I was incapable made it nearly impossible for me to leave my comfort zone. Trying new things was incomprehensible because I was sure that I would fail. When the opportunity for a new experience presented itself, my mind would run through a series of lies so quickly that I didn’t even realize it was happening. Some of these lies included:
‘You are not skilled enough for this.’
‘If you participate, you will be a burden to those around you.’
‘Everyone will see how pathetic you are.’
‘It will be better if you don’t try.’
I listened to these lies and remained on the sidelines always.
A few years ago I received an invitation to go mini golfing with a group of friends on a lovely summer day and I accepted. I vividly remember the panic that rose up in me leading up to the game and through the duration of it. Because I was so convinced that those who were with me would see how incompetent I was, my main defense mechanism kicked in. If I had to participate, I would make a joke of it. If I could make it look like I was goofing off, when I inevitably failed, no one would see that it was a result of my incompetence. Instead, they would think that I lost because I wasn’t taking the game seriously. This elaborate plan fell to pieces when my dear friend, Kelly, asked me a question that changed my life. “Why have you to decided that you are going to fail before you’ve tried?” I broke down.
I started bawling in the middle of the mini golf course. These lies, though they affected nearly every part of my life, were sneaky. They did their job well. I was bound by the chains they created and yet was somehow unaware that they had such a hold on me. It took a number of probing questions from Kelly before I could recognize why I was reacting so strongly to her inquiry. Most along the lines of: “Why are you feeling this way?”, “Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you why you’re feeling like this”, etc..
Afterwards we went to Kelly and her husband’s apartment and spent time praying over me and asking the Lord to show me when I started to believe the lie that I was incompetent. A specific event came to mind.
I was around seven years old and I was racing a friend of mine. I lost. Over and over again. It was fine. Losing didn’t phase me until my friend said to me, “You are so bad. You should just stop trying.”. I didn’t feel hurt, just defeated. That day my life changed. I began to live in that mindset. I listened to the voice that said, “You will always fail, Jolee. It’s better if you don’t try.”
We then prayed that the Holy Spirit would show me this memory again, but differently. That it would be revealed to me where Jesus was during this event. The movie of my friend and I racing began again in my mind but, this time, I saw Jesus there. He was cheering me on while I ran. He was watching me proudly and His joy at seeing me run wasn’t dampened when I would lose. He found such delight in watching me participating, the end result wasn’t important. I saw the look of pride on His face while I ran and I saw the look of sadness when I stopped.
My friends prayed freedom over me that day. I felt a weight that I had carried for most of my life lift off my shoulders. I praised the Lord and went about life differently. Later that week, I was at a get together with some friends and my cousin asked me to throw a sugar snap pea to her from the bowl on the table in front of me. I felt the familiar rush of insecurity. Crippling thoughts, all too familiar, flooded my brain:
‘You’ll never be able to throw it that far.’
‘You’ll knock over the table when you throw it.’
‘What if you hurt someone or break the bowl?’
‘You need to walk it over to her, you can’t throw it.’
I responded differently than I ever had before. I identified these thoughts as lies, rejected them, and decided to live in the truth of who God made me to be. Competent, capable, and able to throw a sugar snap pea. Throwing that sugar snap pea is to this day one of my most significant victories. It jump started a life of trying new things, a life of pursuing whatever the Lord put in front of me. Including going on the World Race.
How fitting that when we found out our teams at training camp and were sent to do some “team bonding”, we chose miniature golfing. It was so sweet to be able to begin this next adventure with my new family in a way that resonates so much with me. My Father knows and takes care of me so well.
I used to be afraid of throwing peas and now I am preparing to leave everything I know behind to confidently follow the Lord’s leading on what will be the biggest adventure of my life.
God is good.
