At the start of this tumultuous year, before this herd of little missionaries departed from U.S. soil, we banded together in Georgia at the AIM base.
Our AIM man Austin whom we had met at training camp, and who had dealt with all our paper work to get us to where we were, gave each of us a little gift enclosed in envelopes. I was gravely confused at the start because I had not paid attention, as per usual, to who what where or why whatever was happening was happening. Patient friends kindly explained that Austin sells keys with encouraging words engraved upon them. He prayed for every member on the squad and asked God what words He wanted us to carry into the race, and gifted them to us.
So we each received a word that either God had been speaking to us already,
we needed to hear,
or that described who we are in Christ. Words that Austin didn’t know why they meant what they meant, just that He knew God told him who needed them.
As I watched people open their envelopes, there were many exclamations of surprise upon receiving a word that resonated deeply. Some words were “healed”, “overcomer”, “joy”
I had hoped mine stated what a warrior I was, maybe a ninja, possibly saying “bad-ass” [do you give those kind out, Austin?] Instead, I opened mine and it said “no fear”.
Hmmm, no fear huh?
ARE YOU SAYING I AM FEARFUL?!
And so began another facet of an eternal identity crisis burdening my psychotic mind. It usually begins with, “Am I not who I thought I was? If not then WHO?!” And it generally ends with me being exactly me.
I wondered in the back of my mind [since the front of my mind did not really like my key and personally wanted me to switch with someone else], if it could mean my fear of public speaking. Though, don’t most of us quake at the thought of being thrown in front of crowds of strangers to be looked to for words of wisdom and encouragement? That just me?
Now, thankfully, these keys were attached to a chain so I could wear this blessed reminder that I am a coward, 24/7. So, I buried it in my bag and vaguely remembered it every so often. Only because mine wasn’t as cool as the rest of them.
Travel to month six and you’ll find me in Nepal, walking along the streets, stepping over cow pies, hopping over sewage, and dodging motos that had some sort of vendetta against me. The music playing in my ears made it a sort of will-I-won’t-I-die kind of dance battle with the city of Kathmandu.
Please don’t judge me, or do. The song “From Now On” from the Greatest Showman Soundtrack came on shuffle. FINE I was PURPOSEFULLY listening to the greatest showman ALRIGHT?!
Get off my back
Worse than that, I had a sudden and insightful epiphany from the stupid song.
“From now on, what’s waited for tomorrow starts tonight”
Stars built cities in my eyes and fire raced through my soul, as all the possibilities of life rose into mountains before me if only I would not wait for tomorrow to begin!
Yes! Dreams that need chasing, adventures that beckon me, questions I have that I NEED to find answers to! Why wait for tomorrow, today is even better!
Whatever I wish, or plan, or am determined to do be DETERMINED TO DO IT and DO IT TODAY
Fail or dont fail
But DO IT
WOOOHOOO
Then
A revelation in the form of a mental typhoon flooded into my mind.
And I KNEW it was from God
No doubt whatsoever in my mind
NO FEAR NO FEAR NO FEAR NO FEAR NO FEAR
And a picture of a lil old key tangled within its chain came to my eyes
I DO live my life.
Because I live the only way I know how. But ohhh how procrastination has become a frequent guest in the home of my heart.
Because every single time, it is fear that has caused me to wait ever so long for the dreams that I have…to be realized.
I have long ago adopted Scarlett O’Hara’s “I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.”
Ill think about it tomorrow.
Much better than today
It has been fun, truly.
But…not much fun when I wait till forever before my feet can thaw from the frozen ground that had paralyzed them in fear.
Less stress, though
Has it been??
How much more crazy cool would life be if I just WENT for it! I mean life’s already been pretty dang cool but how much more so if I didn’t waste the time given in between those wild adventures or dreams or ambitions, just walking in circles.
The one thing in the entire world that has been the culprit EVERYTIME Ive stopped in my tracks is
Fear
Pushing me back
Away from living
Fear of getting “stuck.” WHICH ironically makes me stuck in place,
afraid to move for fear of being stuck wherever my decisions take me.
Fear of committing.
Of changing my mind.
Fear of my fickle heart.
Fear of responsibility.
fear.fear.fear.fear.fear.
I HAAAAAATTTTTEEEEEE to say it
…
But darnit I am fearful
I stay so I don’t have to make choices
And I move so I don’t have to be rooted.
SO I MUST think about it now, today!
Sorry Scarlett, your motto is out the window (gone with the wind, if you will—ugh Bri thanks for indoctrinating terrible puns into my life)
What’s waited for tomorrow starts tonight
Recently, I’ve questioned God, asking: what do I need to learn NOW, something to take back with me when I go home.
When I go home, I will be flooded with anxiety and uncertainty on what my next adventures will be, and where. Where shall I begin to plant my feet
—Most likely for only a little while
For my gypsy blood demands it—
But where?? Doing what?
Well, wherever Jesus leads, and the wind calls, and my heart leans..
wherever that be
May it NOT be thwarted by fear
Fear to move
Fear of commitment
Of the future
Fear of being trapped.
Walk in the freedom I’ve been given
Run in it—around, through, past, back again
Break every habit and fence I’ve put around myself
And see life as it CAN be and is.
The beauty, the possibilities
Life is a gripping page-turner of a book
Well it CAN be if you let it take you where it may, and chase after rivers
and the stories of failures and the stories of successes
And the chapters for the in-betweens
I knew God was telling me to go forward, to RUSH forward, and this is what I was taking home with me
This is what I’d need to prepare for.
No fear
No hesitations
Only
Passion
Determination
Courage
