As we arrive at training camp, numerous thoughts arise as to what to expect. A sense of excitement and anticipation, with a mix of relief and wonder, all crash together at receiving my name tag, pitching my tent, and meeting my teammates, peers, and leaders. I see porta potties and a gratefulness swells up inside me as I think to myself “I DON’T HAVE TO USE A POOPER SCOOPER!” Over the course of the next ten days, I am drained physically, walls are broken down emotionally, and I’m lifted up spiritually. Bonds of unity are formed, teams created, and memories initiated.
Ten days, eleven months….. a lifetime of what God has, is, and will do.
Physically
I don’t know about you, but I have never slept outside for ten days. To say the least, I was thankful I brought a good sleeping pad. Nothing makes you appreciate something more until you don’t have it. I learned real quick I realllllly appreciate my memory foam bed at home and my coffee in the morning. Not having a mirror and not putting on makeup for ten days was honestly quite liberating. Sleeping under the stars one night brought to life a new aspect of living in God’s comfort and beauty. Every morning was a different experience of waking up early, exercise, packing up gear, bucket showers, no showers, and just good ole plain physical exertion.
Coming from a non-physical, non-active individual, the training camp encouraged being healthy in all areas including one I was not excited about… physically.
“What am I getting myself into?”
Strapping on a 35 pound backpack, hiking 2.2 miles uphill, downhill, through grass and in a timely manner of 38 minutes is not something I would typically suggest doing for the fun of it. The experience was inspiring though, more than I would have anticipated. Members of my team continually asking me how I was doing, encouraging me to continue, keep up the pace; all of the intentionality of every individual was a blessing to see. If you did not finish the race in time, you had to do it again. Fear sets in.
“What if I don’t make it?”
“What if I puke?”
“How embarrassing would it be?”
As we climb up the last steep hill, I can see peers cheering us on!
“YOU GOT THIS!”
“YOU’RE ALMOST THERE!”
A sense of relief and pride overwhelms me as my team completes this task. But it doesn’t end there, we drop our packs and run back to different locations along the hike to cheer on the next on comers. With each step closer, I can feel a sense joy and love as we do not see each other as part of different squads, but unified and uplifting each member of the body of Christ to continue on, and finish the race set before us. Physically I’m exhausted…. but that does not matter in this moment.
Spiritually
Walking into training camp, I didn’t really know what to expect as far as training spiritually for this year long mission trip. I mean we jokingly say, “NOT today Satan,” but do we really understand spiritual warfare and the Power of Jesus’ name? I was yet again astounded at the lectures focused on being spiritually healthy, asking for the Holy Spirit to move, and listening to His still soft voice. I appreciated learning of different ways/pathways to worship the Lord. I sought comfort in the worship we had the first 7 days. Being able to join in the worship of the Heavens and sing “Holy” as each individual praised His Name in their own way was divine.
One of the most impactful lectures was discussing evangelism and what that looks like on the field and at home. As we practiced on each other and fellow teammates, I realized how much one has to step out on faith that the Lord will give you the words to say and how to speak them. Once we finished, we were given the opportunity to go out and share the Gospel to those at Walmart. Yes, we went to Walmart and asked the Lord to guide us along the way. I remember feeling discouraged as no one came to mind while I walked by countless people. Fortunately, I was not alone and my teammate began to pray out loud. She barely got one sentence in and a woman looked me straight in the eyes. We began chatting with her and eventually prayed for her in the middle of the clothing section in Walmart.
This experience began to broaden my horizon on what a mission field looks like. Yes, I’ll be going to 11 different countries, but the mission field can be right here in your own backyard…in your local Walmart.
Emotionally/Mentally
I remember growing up and feeling ashamed to hold someone’s hand. Not because of boy vs girl, cooties, or anything sexual. I was ashamed because I had really sweaty hands. Believe it or not, that became rooted deep within me to the point of subconsciously seeing myself as gross and disgusting. I can vividly remember praying in a group at church and my friends saying “gross” as they wiped their hands off on their jeans with a look of disgust on their face. I mean, of course, we were children and didn’t know any better. Children can be brutally honest after all. But that experience will always live with me. I have hyperhidrosis, which is excessive sweating in hands and other extremities. As silly as it sounds, this simple diagnosis would cause me seeking others approval to feel normal. Peers, friends, family who don’t want you to touch them because your hands are literally soaking and dripping with sweat is understandable, but it definitely makes you see yourself as different and something to want to cover up or hide. Little did I know that those insecurities would fester something deeper within me that would take several people to finally make me realize my self worth shouldn’t be sought in other’s approval.
I often seek approval and affirmation in others. During training camp, something awoke within me that I did not realize was asleep.
Within the first couple of days of training camp, I unconsciously apologized for being awkward and weird and for being my quirky self. The moment of prayer arose again, and I felt the need to explain to my teammates my condition of sweaty hands because I obviously didn’t want the same looks I would get as a child. Something beautiful happened in that moment. Those holding my hands squeezed tighter, embraced my abnormalities, and I grasped the bonds of unity. Not that this hasn’t happened before, I have had several people who have come to me as an adult and cast aside any judgment for being different. But for some reason this time it was different. A member of the group spoke with me afterward and looking within me, told me to stop apologizing for who I am. Apologizing for being myself makes others believe something is wrong with me, and that I believe there is something wrong with me. As I heard that, I realized that I did think something was wrong with me. I thought by sharing my condition, I was holding the high card, but instead I was allowing myself to believe the lies of being different was gross and disgusting and something to be explained.
Later in the week, one of the speakers discussed Baptism of the Holy Spirit. Now talk about the power of the Lord! As the speaker addressed how to seek out the Baptism of the Holy Spirit, he described not only asking for it, but you need to love God, others, and yourself.
well… that struck a chord…
I love God, and I love others, but then I asked myself, “Do I truly love myself?” I have allowed these insecurities in me to continue for so long, I think there is something wrong with being who I was made to be. “Do I see myself as God sees me?” He finds me worthy of His love, pursued me, died for ME, ON THE CROSS! and do I love myself the way He loves me? Do I find my worth in Him and seek my affirmation in Him? I keep seeking my approval from others and want so deeply to be pursued and loved that I forget how much I am already loved and pursued and desired by our Lord. HE is JEALOUS for ME. Do I believe that??
So this is where I am today.
Praying for affirmation from the ONLY ONE who could give it to the fullness of my soul. Seeking my worth by looking to the Cross. Resting in His comfort.
I am astounded at what can happen in ten days. I am in awe of what 11 months will unfold. I am overwhelmed by an eternity of pursuit and worth.
