Month Seven.
This is the month of ruffing it.
This is what I imaged the world race would be like when I signed up. But it didn’t make me any more ready for it that’s for sure. It’s pushing me outside of my comfort zone and making me grow in the best ways.
This is something I wrote in my journal a few days ago:
I’m on a bus ride from hell.
Being thrown from one end to the other.
Feeling like I’m bruising my whole body with every bump.
I have dirt caked on my face from the endless dust that gets thrown at you everywhere you go.
I feel disgusting & gross from taking bucket showers that don’t seem to wipe off the grid and dirt tattooed on.
There are rats that line our room and crawl on our tents that resemble more like small dogs than rats.
I see chunks of things floating in our ‘safe’ drinking water that I pretend not to notice.
My mouth is still burning from the lunch we ate hours ago.
& it’s about to down pour on us in any minute.
I’m tossed around like a rag doll this month.
Thrown from one thing to another not being able to catch my breath and take it in.
I’m idolized here for my skin color and place of birth.
It’s not fair, it’s not right.
I don’t want the looks and the special treatment.
I want to get on their level and look them in the eyes and tell them I’m just like you.
I want to point them to Jesus.
But am I doing that?
Am I getting that message across?
Am I too worried about my selfish desires?
Have I not died to myself yet?
How long will I have to deal with this?
When will I learn?
When will Jesus be enough?
When I have everything and am content?
God doesn’t call me to be content.
He calls me to a radically unsafe life built on trust and faith.
Where my strength can’t sustain.
Where my will is not being done but His.
Lord lead me to that place.
Because if the son of God laid down His life, who am I to hold on to mine.
My situation may be hard now but this is our temporary and it’s their permanent. They don’t get to leave these living situations in a month and say I’m done. This is their life and that’s humbling.
God calls me to lay down my life and if that means live with rats and be caked with dirt for a month I will do it to accomplish His will. If that’s what is needed to reach hundreds of people and share the gospel, I’m honored to do it.
If the Son of God can lay down His life, who am I to hold on to mine.
I’m laying it all down.
