Here is a very raw and vulnerable excerpt from my journal. It’s a real picture of where I am and in what areas God is trying to grow me in. This journey is hard but it is also incredibly wonderful. God has been working in so many amazing ways in this past month and a half and I am excited to share it along with you.
It’s the day before we leave for Sunyani and
I’m exhausted, physically, mentally and spiritually.
I’m currently sitting on a top bunk sweating, and alone.
Alone physically which hardly ever happens but also alone emotionally.
I feel alone, misunderstood, and confused why I’m even here. Why God chose me.
I miss my family and my friends, my comforts, and my distractions that take away this feeling I get so I don’t have to ever deal with it.
I feel like my life is going 100 miles per hour and I can’t even stop to ask where I am.
I need a year to process everything that’s been happening but can’t seem to even find a minute.
I just have so many emotions going through me I don’t even know where to begin.
I don’t want to miss a thing here and I desperately want to remember every little detail.
I never want to forget what God has told me or what He has done for me.
And I so easily forget like a current washing it away.
I can’t seem to keep a hold of it.
But this month God is teaching me to leave my comforts and enter into the uncomfortable.
Leave my old life behind. To go to a new place, in a new country, living with people you just met.
Leaving the life you know with the freedom you had, to a strictly scheduled out day with hardly any time to relax.
Leaving the comfortable foods I depended on to eating whatever they put in front of you and hoping it won’t make you sick.
Just leaving it all.
All the people who I ran to for confirmation and assurance is all stripped away.
And I’m just left with me.
Myself.
I feel naked in front of everybody.
Exposed without the normal things I would hide behind.
I never knew how comfortable I was with the life I was living before I got here.
How much I actually valued that comfort and put it a step above God.
How much I ran to everything else instead of God.
But I want to leave all that behind and leave the bondage and chains that are holding me back.
Instead I want to go to God and trust full heartedly that He will be there in the uncomfortable.
Be vulnerable in the community I am in and embrace being naked because that’s how we were made, perfect.
Adam and Eve were put on this world naked & unashamed before sin.
So maybe God is just removing the sin and bondage I was gripping so tightly to
and leaving me naked and beautifully uncomfortable
because that’s where we find him.
