I’m sitting on a balcony, overlooking a view I can’t capture properly. An expansion of greenery that hits a line of white sand and blue water. I can see early morning surfers pursuing the waves. Below me, on the back deck is Richard, the man who has graciously let us stay in his home for a few days to rest. He holds a cup of coffee in his hand as he stares intently outward. I wonder what deep thoughts are running through his mind.
There’s a peace in this place. The way a home should always feel. I’ve journaled more than I have in a long time. My thoughts feel safe here, safe to pour out and place down with pen on paper.
In my journal I write, “Being loved means not being afraid of letting them know you love them back.”
It’s a concept I’ve been working through. This idea that I am loved by others. There’s a lot of rich truths to be drawn by that statement. But a quiet revelation I’ve been thinking through is how we are imperfect people trying to love perfectly. This leads to imperfect people trying to be imperfectly loved.
It’s part of my fear of being loved. That I will accept it, and I will reciprocate it, and I will get hurt by it.
There are people that continually disappoint. People that don’t intend to hurt me, but they do. People who lack intentionality, commitment, boldness. This isn’t their plan against me. They are just imperfect people who oftentimes love imperfectly.
It’s something I remind myself when I don’t feel loved. It’s something I remind myself when I don’t feel I’ve loved well.
I can’t put people at fault because I have my own faults. Instead, I put a lot of value in the effort. Moments where people continually try to love well. And I want to give the same effort. Part of being loved is acknowledging I’m loved and letting them know I love them back without regard for the potential hurt.
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A few days later, I hand my teammate and close friend a note, “This is the exact words I put down on my survey about you.” It was a simple survey we had filled out before team changes to give us a voice in the process. The question on the survey asked for the name of someone who could pour into me and what I could learn from them. I started with the words, “Being Loved.” The rest is meant just for her.
We are currently in Jaco, Costa Rica, serving at Ocean’s Edge. It started as a surf camp for kids, an avenue to share the Gospel and has grown into so much more. Our days include construction work, painting a mural, ocean and park clean ups, leading Sunday school and kids club, preparing bags of rice and beans, and of course making sure kids don’t drown during surf lessons.
Please find out more about Ocean’s Edge at oceansedge-lifestyle.com
