As I’m experiencing my first month as a missionary in Chile, living in community, and serving the Lord, I’ve come to realize that I am also getting to know myself more and more as the weeks go by.
God has shown me an ugly truth about myself that I wasn’t aware of – I have been living FOR the approval of people. In my 27 years, I actually had never thought deeper about the motivation behind why I do the things I do, the decisions I make, the way I act, and the way I see myself.
I usually make decisions (or at least I try my best) based on spiritual discernment, common sense, and prior experience, but God has shown me a different side about myself that I realized was a “blindspot” for me.
These last few weeks, I have been struggling internally with getting to know my team on a personal level. In addition to us having a busy ministry schedule, we all have such different personalities and backgrounds so we’re all still adjusting to one another. I also haven’t taken the time to get to know them individually so I have been a little distant, not as open and vulnerable as I should, and I’ve just been keeping it mellow and relaxed for the most part.
As a team, we are required throughout the week to share “feedback” to one another to help each other grow and become a better Christian. Feedback is supposed to help us challenge one another and bring awareness on how we can be more like Christ. I usually have no problem receiving feedback, but what I do struggle with is giving feedback to others. There has been a few times where God had poked me to speak up and give feedback, but I hesitated due to how others might react or feel with what I have to say. For this reason, I find myself holding back, leaving that heaviness in my heart when I know it should be shared out in the open to make room for growth.
And then it suddenly hit me…
God made me realize that I care so much about how other people feel and what they think about me. Because I am naturally a people/relationship person, I never really stopped to think that I actually find my value through other people’s approval and affirmation.
I work hard because I want others to recognize what I’m capable of. I’m careful with what I say or do because I want to avoid conflict as much as possible and I don’t want to see other people’s feelings get hurt. I care so much about keeping everything and everyone at peace that I become a “people pleaser” without even knowing it.
I’m just now realizing that God is teaching me more about my identity and value in Him. He wants me to please Him, not people. He wants me to walk in more boldness and courage even when that means speaking up to others when it feels uncomfortable. He wants to get me out of that “Fear of Man” mentality and step up and use my discernment to help others grow even when people don’t want to hear the truth and He wants me to live FROM His approval, not FOR the approval of men.
In this month, He is exposing some ugly truths about myself, but I’m thankful because with these ugly truths comes a harvest of fruit, growth, and building of character. When our hosts took us to the ceramic shop the other day, I was reminded that, “we are the clay and He is the potter and we are all the work of His hand” (Isaiah 64:8). He is continually molding us to the men and women He created us to be, but we need to also let Him do the work in us. I am learning more and more about who I am in Christ this month and I know I am a work in progress!
