**Update on donating to the Mayamot feeding community that had the fire.** If you would still like to donate I just found out that KIM has their own give platform on their website. Just click this link: https://www.kidsim.org and then hit the donate button in the top right corner. It will bring up a form to fill out. Put “Other” for the category and then Mayamot feeding community in the description.
I so enjoyed my month back in the Philippines! It was filled with reconnecting with old friends, making new friends, lots of different ministry opportunities, and personal development. It was hard to leave, and the Philippines will always have a special place in my heart.
I went to a feeding every day where we passed out food in different squatter communities and then built relationships with them by praying for them and leading Bible studies. I also helped with construction projects, went to the children’s home and took care of toddlers, and hung out with some of the older kids. I helped at the pregnancy clinic and even got to be present for a delivery. It was the woman’s first baby, and labor was really tough, but she was so brave through the whole thing! She didn’t yell or scream once she just kept persevering through the pain because she knew it would be worth it when she got to hold her newborn baby girl in her arms.
Personal development and growing in understanding my identity as a child of God have some similarities with childbirth. It doesn’t feel good in the moment to humble myself and admit areas that I need to work on. But the freedom I experience after I process through them makes it all worthwhile. I had several areas of growth this month, but the biggest one I have been working on is loneliness.
During my time in the Philippines we had all squad month, which means that instead of just my team of six serving at a ministry site we had our entire group of 35 people together. It was so much fun! I got to serve with lots of different people and there was always someone to hang out with during my free time. We got to go swimming, play games, watch movies, and go on adventures together. There were also awesome bonding moments of deep conversations and one of my friends showed so much love for me and literally spent five hours pulling lice out of my hair. But in spite of all that and having so many people that enjoyed being around me I had moments where I felt completely alone. Everyone at home felt so far away and I felt like no one around me really knew or understood me. While it didn’t feel good, it felt normal to be lonely because loneliness had been a part of my life for so long.
I was homeschooled growing up and we moved around a lot. Because of that I didn’t have a lot of close friends, but the ones I did have made up a large portion of my world. After I lost a friend that was super close to me I felt loneliness like I never had before. It became not just an emotion that I felt, but part of my identity.
Loneliness is tricky because at the surface it seemed like something that I had no control over. It was a deep hole in my heart that felt like it could never be filled. But this month I was able to take a step back and ask myself why I was still hanging on to it. What I realized is that I had been putting expectations on people to fill my need to be understood and loved. I then felt disappointed when they couldn’t do it to the extent my heart was craving when it was never their job to begin with. Because I kept getting hurt and disappointed I turned to loneliness. I just accepted the fact that very few people would ever truly “get” me, and that I would always have this gaping hole in my heart that nothing could ever fill.
I have always known that my ultimate source of feeling loved and understood has to come from God. Because let’s face it, the only one who is truly going to “get” me is the One who carefully and intentionality made every part of me. Now I know some of you are rolling your eyes and thinking “duh! It is so obvious that only God can fill that spot in your heart.” Trust me, I have known this in my head for a long time, but it has been such a big part of who I was that I have not been able to get rid of it. I would give it over to God and then take it back a few days later. My puny earthly mind cannot fathom how God can fill this hole in my heart that feels like it is the size of the Grand Canyon. But I’m finally at the point where I am willing to run into the arms of my Father who has been patiently waiting for me and trust that He can make my heart whole again.
In Him,
Heidi
