The cycle of punishment is unending. That’s something I’ve come to realize I put myself through over and over again.
It’s as if there’s something in me that’s holding myself back from ever being truly and fully loved by God. I have this block up. I hold back and I continue to rebuild that wall between us. I do it because of my past sins and the lie I tell myself that I can’t help history finding a way to repeat itself. If it’s not punishing myself for my past and future sin, then it’s punishing myself for not being better. It’s punishing myself for not doing more to tear down that wall. I’m unworthy to feel the full love of God.
I have these moments during worship where I’m trying so hard to break through that wall that it hurts. I’m desperately searching the answers somewhere in my brain. I’m crying out to God internally to please just give me a list of things I can do to be closer to Him and everything will be better. I can be better.
God doesn’t work like that. I work like that. I like to overcomplicate and overwhelm myself. Maybe it’s all just a part of the cycle of punishment. The thought that I’m not “there” yet because I’m not trying hard enough. God doesn’t work like that. I work like that.
God works like this. In that while I’m kneeling on the ground during worship and trying with all my brainpower in order to break through the wall that I’ve built, I feel a hand on my shoulder. Through the mouth of my beautiful teammate, God tells me to stop the cycle. God shows me that I’m continually placing myself back inside a jail cell and locking on the handcuffs and shackles myself. They’re constantly being broken and I’m walking in freedom, just to turn right back around and lock myself back in.
It’s not easy to walk in complete freedom. Sometimes it feels easier to keep myself locked up because then if I fall, which I always will, at least I’m already sitting in my punishment. If I’m truly free from those shackles then that’s giving God all the control. That means I’ve fully surrendered everything to God. If I’ve fully surrendered then it’s stepping into the unknown. That’s not easy.
I know my God is a good God. He wants good things for me. He wants to give me an unimaginably full and beautiful life. A life full of triumphs and struggles. A life full of the impossible becoming possible. All He’s asking for me to do is break those shackles and never put them back on.
It’s not easy. I’m not even entirely sure how to or what that looks like. But, God is the ultimate teacher. If I continue to ask Him then maybe one day I’ll wake up and realize those shackles were broken a long time ago. One day I could wake up and realize there is no more wall to keep me from God’s love. One day I’ll wake up and be living a life that once seemed impossible, but because I surrendered to my God it was all made possible.
Lord, I’m praying for that one day.
