I’ve been going through a myriad of emotions over the last few months since I applied and was accepted onto the World Race. First it was anxiety before and initially after I had applied. The thought of ‘am I really doing this’ to ‘wait… am I really actually doing this’. The anxiety of my uncertain future, of quitting my job and not having any income for a year, of leaving a city I had zero intention of leaving. Anxiety has turned into fear. Fear in the brief instability I felt at my job. The fear of never knowing if I’ll ever be fully prepared for this jump. Now sadness has set in. Sadness of leaving everything I’ve known for over three years now. Sadness of missing a years worth of memories with friends and family. Missing being there for my friends triumphs in work and relationships. Missing my parents and the first steps of my beautiful niece. I’ve become so overwhelmed with these emotions that I physically feel it weighing on my shoulders. In all seriousness, I am Ron Burgundy stuck in a glass case of emotion.
Even as I feel the walls closing in as I’m getting closer and closer to leaving, God has been there in the midst of it all. Through all of my inadequacies God’s been showing up in ways I’ve never experienced in this little life I have. As my anxiety peaked, God stepped in and gave me peace through a perfect summer day. Allowing me to spend an entire afternoon riding my bike along the lake to decompress from it all. When my fear spiked, God spoke through my parents and their constant words of comfort. A phone call to my mom starting out with me crying in public as I walk around a grocery store (yes, I am that girl you saw crying at the grocery store), but ending with such a sense of peace for my future through her words. When sadness has reared its ugly face, God has given me a day spent wandering this city with my wonderful friends. A day spent with laughter and my friends almost fully accepting how weird, ridiculous and overall embarrassing I can be. God is perfect love and perfect love casts out ALL fear.
As scared as I will be and continue to be over the next year, I have to keep in mind that God has called me to this. My mom so kindly reminded me today that this has absolutely nothing to do with me. This whole thing is because of God and what He wants to do through me. The only thing I can do is be obedient in that and never lose sight of the all encompassing and deep into the soles of my feet conviction I felt when I made this decision. So I say again, God is perfect love and perfect love casts out ALL fear. Not through my own strength, but through God’s strength I will do my best to walk through this next chapter of my life confidently knowing He’s got me.
