I’ve written and deleted this blog many of times in the past hour, but here we go:
The past 3 months of my life have been hard. It’s been hard learning 43 new personalities. It’s been hard switching from country to country at the drop of the hat. It’s been hard to lead when all I desperately want is to be led. It’s been hard seeing intense poverty, addiction, loneliness, and sickness. It’s been hard to say goodbye to people. But, the hardest thing has been letting people know that it has been hard.
For some reason, even though I’ve preached to everyone I know about the power of vulnerability, it is still hard. It’s hard to look into the (virtual) face of my parents and tell them that I’m struggling. It’s been hard to resist the temptation to post a picture of a happy Thai baby and pretend like everything is going great. It’s been hard to be real in one-on-one’s with my people who I so desperately want to be real with me and tell them, “you know, I’m not great, it’s been hard.” It’s been hard to tell those in leadership over me that it’s hard.
But it has been worth it every single time.
You see, when we have people that truly love and know us, “it’s been hard” is not met with “it will be ok.” It’s not met with “suck it up,” or “get over yourself.” It’s met with “I know,” and “I’m sorry.”
It’s met with tears and hugs and sometimes even laughs, because yeah, their lives are hard to. And for this I am thankful. I am thankful for the 42 people that I am currently doing life with and the circle of others in the states that still do life with me even when I’m across the world. And the best news of all is that I have a God who is also very ok with my mess, in fact He delights in it!!
Because yes, IT HAS BEEN HARD. FREAKING HARD.
But, it’s been worth it. Because hard doesn’t mean bad. Our messed up society has turned hard into bad, when a lot of times hard is actually really, really, good. Hard has pushed me to become dependent on people and most importantly, to be dependent on Jesus.
I didn’t sign up for an easy life (although sometimes I desperately wish I did). I signed up for radical and out of the norm. I said yes to vulnerability and to change. And I wouldn’t trade it for easy.
There are nights that I lie awake consumed by a desire for stability. A “nine to five” and relationships that last through many seasons. Maybe even a house that can host my collection of Starbucks mugs. Definitely my car.
But what I have are days full of beautiful chaos. I’m surrounded by a new generation of men and women who are radically saying NO to normal and YES to hard. And for some crazy insane reason, I have been trusted to walk alongside of them and to give them the things that have been given to me.
And that’s been hard. But hard is so, so good and I wouldn’t trade it for a nine to five, or my car, or anything else for that matter.
If you’re struggling (like me) to be real with people, remember that hard does not mean bad. It doesn’t mean weak. But heck, if you are doing bad and you are feeling weak, tell people. Let’s be a society of people who are ok with each other’s messes. Let’s get in the trenches with people and invite them into ours!
So that’s what I’m trying to do. And if you ask me how I am, I’m probably not going to say “fine” like the rest of the population because vulnerability is hard and hard is good.
Speaking of vulnerability… I am humbly (yes, it’s hard) asking for your financial support to keep me on the field! I’m $1,841 away from being FULLY FUNDED! I am so beyond grateful for those who have partnered with me so far on this journey and would be honored for you to join my support team!
