As I sit here in my favorite coffee shop (gonna be bold here and say it’s probably my favorite coffee shop in all of the world), attempting to “process” all that has happened this past month in Colombia all I can muster up is “wow”. My expectations of Colombia, squad leading, and the World Race have already been beautifully shattered. Looking back on it, I had no idea what I was signing up for when I said yes to this thing. In a sense, I am not at all surprised because shattered expectations are what make up my life. I like to be in control, and to have a sense of knowing what the heck is going on in the world around me; however, Jesus says nope.
My entire life of walking with the Lord I have heard and read to trust Him. Scripture (and people much wiser than me) have told me my life is not my own, that He plans my course, that he is in control. I understand the concept, but when it comes to application I have been at war with myself. It’s something that I have been trying to practice for the past five years, but I didn’t understand how to surrender what I had been holding on to. Until last week…when I jumped off of a really big mountain.
Paragliding. Woof. I really didn’t want to go, but my squad needed some leaders to go so I begrudgingly agreed (ok, let’s be real…I actually wanted to go all along). After hiking to the top of the mountain and watching my teammates take flight, I started feeling like I was going to vom everywhere. My stomach was in knots and I may have even shed some tears as they were attaching me to my instructor and the parachute. Thoughts of “holy crap these strings look super breakable” and “why am I trusting this tiny Colombian man to fly me through the sky on a freaking parachute,” flooded my mind. But, it was too late to back out. Before I knew it we were running in unison until the mountain under my feet disappeared and I was in the air.
“Lean back! Relax!” My instructor kept yelling into my ear. I was holding on as tight as possible to the straps above my head. My entire body weight supported by my arms. “You have to lean back. It is not safe this way. Relax,” he said. He probably told me this three times before I had the courage to let go and fall back into my makeshift seat (imagine sitting in a backpack). And when I did, everything changed. Instead of focusing on keeping myself alive, I was able to look at the beauty that was below me. The city of Medellin, mountains, trees, and soaring birds were underneath me and the clouds were all around me. The only thing I could hear was wind whistling through my ears. In that moment of releasing myself and placing my trust in this man, the Lord spoke to me: “See. It’s better this way. It’s safer. It’s more fun. You are more free. And you are out of control.” Cue uncontrollable sobbing, and one of the most intimate moments I’ve ever had with God.
In this moment, the etherial word “trust” made sense to me. The prayer I’ve been praying for years for God to show me what it means to trust Him was answered. I’m super tactile and experiential when it comes to learning, especially when it comes to making head-knowledge, heart-knowledge. I am so well known by the one who created me, that He knew it would take something crazy to make this trust thing real for me. And it worked. And I’m letting go. I’m learning to relax and lean into Him when the world around me is spiraling and to do the same when things are going well.
I don’t have it totally figured out. It takes a long time for a control freak to rewire her thinking. But I have something to go off of. I’m seeking that same sensation I felt as a flew through the air and wept at the same time. And it’s better. It’s safer. It’s more fun. I am more free. I’m out of control.
This week is going to be spent debriefing month one of the World Race Gap Year with my squad. We will laugh together, cry together, and learn from each other. THEN- we are headed to Ecuador! I can’t believe it’s time to go, but I can’t wait to see what is in store!
Again, I’m still in need of funds to continue squad leading. If you are able to help me reach my goal, click the donate button at the top of my blog page! GRACIAS, GRACIAS, y GRACIAS!
