To be completely candid, I’ve been terrified to write a blog about the past three weeks of my life. My fears are rooted in the lie that if I try to process what is going on and let the world into the secrets of my heart- I won’t be able to handle the feels and I might lose it. Yesterday, I invited the Spirit into this lie and felt strongly that writing is going to be very cathartic for me throughout this next season. I was reminded as I was reading in the book of Psalms yesterday that my God loves tears so much that he catches and stores them. He knows every ache and pain in my heart and my body.
“Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book.”
Psalm 56:8 MSG
If the one who knows ALL, sees ALL, and loves ALL is willing to deal with my excessive emotions than so can I. So, friends, family, strangers (let’s be real my mom is probs the only one reading these anyways)… here we go. My goal is to be writing once a week and I am inviting you to journey with me. I can’t promise butterflies and rainbows, but I will promise you raw and authentic if you choose to follow my life over the next nine months!
September 1, 2017
I sat in the airport waiting to board my flight to Atlanta to begin squad leader training. I cried out (I was literally sobbing) and asked God to increase my territory and give me the capacity to love my squad of 39 with every fiber of my being. This is something that I have asked the Lord to give me before all of the past trips that I have led, so I knew full well the risk of this prayer. If you know me at all, you know that I am entirely empathetic by nature and it’s one of my greatest strengths (even though sometimes it feels like my greatest weakness). I’ve been learning how to steward this gift well with boundaries and releasing people to Jesus, but it is definitely a process.
My prayer was answered almost immediately and I know you probably won’t believe this but I felt my heart swell inside of me. So much so that I felt like I was choking and couldn’t catch my breath. Side note, my lack of being able to breath and ugly crying caused some issues in TSA as I’m sure you can imagine. Thankfully, I was able to communicate that my intentions were all pure and that I’m a stage 5 crier and they let me get on the flight.
September 7, 2018
After a week of training, my squad started to flood the trusty Holiday Inn in Atalanta for what we call “launch.” With each arrival, my heart rate increased and my love bucket started getting more and more full. My mom sometimes uses the adjective “shiny” to describe people and I can’t really define for you what that means, but dang were my people shiny.
Over the next few days we spent time together as a squad, learned what it looks like to be world racers, and grew in intimacy with each other and God.
Humorous Chaos
For some reason, things in my life seem to always have an element of humorous chaos (I know my crew is nodding their heads at this because they’ve seen it in action over the past 24 years). So, naturally, at the beginning of launch I threw my back out and was not only physically incapacitated but also mentally/emotionally due to a heavy dose of steroids, muscle relaxers, and pain killers. Maybe I’ll write a blog at some point about what the Lord taught me through this injury, but for now just get the mental image. It was very funny in a not at all funny sort of way. The next element of humorous chaos was brought to us by Hurricane Irma. Instead of heading to Colombia when we were supposed to, we ended up camping out in a church for a few days and then overnight bussing to Washington DC to fly out. The greyhound experience was one I will never forget and hopefully one I will never relive #lol. This type of chaos has continued throughout the trip, but these are the two big ones sticking out to me right now…stay tuned.
Medellin, Colombia
Wow- the culture, the people, the scenery. I wish I could paint a picture with my words, but instead I’ll just show you with a photo:
I’ll save ministry details for a later blog, but for now I want to tell you about my journey as a squad leader for the soon to be world renown (for their high qual love, their laughs, their snacks, and their goal of being the hands and feet over the next nine months) Gap N. When Jesus formed Gap N He knew exactly what He was doing and I couldn’t ask for a better group of people to lead.
Don’t get the wrong idea- leading is hard. It has brought out some of my biggest insecurities. I have wept nearly every day. BUT, it is so worth it. I look at these 18ish year olds love on the community around them and I fill with pride. I watch them snuggle kids that haven’t bathed in weeks and have one set of pee-saturated clothes and I can’t help but fall on my knees in humble gratitude that I have been trusted with them. I see them praying over each other, calling each other (and me!) out on our crap and I thank God for their hearts that are passionately seeking growth. They are amazing humans and I know that His plan for each of them is incredible.
As for me, God is teaching me what it looks like to be seated at his table. Right now, this means that I get to just be with Him and that is enough. I can’t do this thing on my own which has been hard for my independent self, but so good for my spirit. I am also learning what it means to be a TRUSTED member of God’s family. He trusts me with the calling that He has given me and the freedom that has come with learning this is something I am so thankful for.
The End
Mic drop. I know this was long so thanks for bearing with me. For those of you wondering, I only cried once or twice writing this, but I’ve been promised that more tears are around the corner and I’m good with that!!!
Mucho, mucho, mucho love. I am also in need of financial supporters to continue on this leadership journey so if you feel led to help me out…click the DONATE button at the top of this page and follow the instructions provided. THANKS SO MUCH MY PEOPLE!!!
