One day in Thailand…
Squadmate: What are you going to do today?
Me: Ummm…
(moon, red, table full of food, longing, searching – what?! That doesn’t make sense)
…I don’t know
God: That isn’t true
Me: Yeah, but it doesn’t make sense…what do those things have in common?
Have you ever had a time where you wished you could let someone else inside your head so they could really understand what you were saying? I have many times. It’s a frustrating place to be. I don’t know how other people think since I can’t see in their minds any more than they can see in mine, but I often feel like I’m very different. I’ve spent most of my life hating it too. It’s part of why I often won’t answer a question right away. Rarely is it because I don’t have an answer. (Although that is what I will often tell you.) It’s because I don’t think the answer will make sense or will take too long to explain. Sometimes, I don’t understand the answer myself.
When I think, I tend to see pictures, words, and phrases. Often I get a sense or feeling that something is but might not be able to tell you why because it isn’t something I thought through. Translating that into something I can share isn’t always easy. Especially when it’s a picture, or words and phrases that don’t seem to go together.
Do I describe the picture or an interpretation of what the picture means? What if I leave an important detail out when describing the picture? How do I decide which details are important? What if what stands out to me isn’t what would stand out to the person I’m talking to? How do I decide what part/how much of the picture to share? It’s so clear and vivid in my head, how do I help someone else “see” it? Those words don’t seem to go together. Why do I connect these ideas in my head? Do other people connect them? Where did that connection come from? Do they even make sense in the context of answering the question? How do I know this? Why am I feeling this? Where is this feeling coming from?
On and on my thoughts go, and I stay silent or try to give a short answer that is really a deferment to someone else’s opinion without expressing my own. Usually by the time I actually process through all of it, the conversation has long since moved on and it seems like it would no longer be relevant to speak. So I remain silent and try to fade into the background.
If no one remembers that I’m here, I won’t have to answer anything or be expected to actually join the conversation. They probably wouldn’t understand anyways. I am so alone.
My squadmates have helped me see some errors in my thinking and spoken truth over me. 1) I am worth it. I am worth taking the time to understand and what I say holds value because I am immeasurably valuable. 2) I have a voice. God gave it to me for a reason and out of obedience to Him, I must use it. 3) I am meant to see others through the eyes of grace not judgement. I often think the worst of others before giving them a chance. This habit leads to a tendency to interact with the world around me with a defensive attitude which prevents true connection and further isolates me. 4) I’m not meant to control how others respond. My job is to share.
Since Lesotho, I’ve been learning to speak more and share my thoughts. It hasn’t been easy and sometimes I don’t do a very good job. I react with old patterns and habits. And sometimes, I get a second chance…
A little later that same day…
Me: …oh it’s a crescent moon and it’s Ramadan right now…I get it. I guess I should tell –
Squadmate: Have you figured it out?
Me: (Ha! Very funny, God.) Yeah, Ramadan started a few days ago and there’s a mosque down the street so I’ll walk around there and pray. Also, I wasn’t entirely honest earlier….
