I started this in J-bay but never posted it. But to understand who I am now and how I got here, it helps to know what happened on March 26.
The other night I lost it. We got back from ministry and I wanted to go to the Christian surfers’ community meal again but no one else did and I felt weird about going on my own. Something snapped inside. I hit a wall hard and I just couldn’t get back up. I didn’t know what the wall was. I strongly dislike not being able to give a reason especially for emotions so I didn’t tell anybody. I hid.
At first it was because I didn’t want to have to explain to anyone why I was crying since I had no clue. Later it was so no one would see how much pain I was in. There’s a little corner on the deck where I took a chair and sat where nobody could see me. I stayed there for over 2h. At which point in time my teammates freaked out because they realized no one knew where I was or had seen me for quite a while. By that time I had calmed down, put my earbuds in and started playing music at a louder volume than what is healthy so I didn’t hear them calling me. They did find me and I did end up opening up to them. (Partly because there was no hiding the fact that I was an emotional mess only barely avoiding crying again.) But I’m getting ahead of myself here…
I had spent the majority of that time ranting at God. I was tired of the gifts He gave me. I didn’t want them anymore because they caused too much pain. Why was I so alone? Nobody understood. It HURTS. The lies kept coming as I whisper-screamed at God. (I didn’t want anyone to hear.) Tears and snot were all over the place and my whole body ached. If this is what it felt like, then I wanted Him to take it all away – no more pictures, dreams, or visions. No more burdens to pray for others. These gifts – this calling – was too much. I wasn’t worthy of it any way. Who did I think I could fool? I’m far too messed up. And when I did speak, no one ever listened.
And then God gave me a choice.
First, He reminded me of a night in early August of 2008. While the rest of my family (and pretty much everybody else) was watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, I was in my bedroom dancing and worshipping God until I had nothing left to give. During that night, God asked me if I was willing to let Him have complete control of my life. Specifically in what gifts He gave me and how He asked me to use them. He also asked me to be someone who would declare His Word to the nations. (Think Jeremiah 1:4-10, Ezekiel 3:17 & 33:1-7; Not exactly the most fun job in the world) I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It’s been so, so hard at times. Sometimes I would wonder if I could go back in time, would I still make the same choice knowing what I do now? Now I know.
Remember that night? Remember the choice you had? You have the choice again.
Wait, what?! How?! I already have…You mean I can pick a different calling?
I’m letting you choose to walk away from these gifts – this part of your calling – if you want. Here, now, you can leave it behind and choose a different path. I will still love you. You will still dance for Me and other parts of your calling will still hold true.
For half a second, I thought about it. Maybe it would be easier….and then horror filled my heart.
It won’t be the same, will it? If I don’t have these dreams and visions, my relationship with You will change. I won’t be as close anymore, will I? I won’t hear from You as clearly or in as many ways as I am used to.
You will still be close but, yes, it will change our relationship and the ways I speak to you.
And I knew. I couldn’t do anything that might harm my relationship with my Father. As hard as it has been to walk this path, the closeness I have gained in my relationship with God makes it so worth it. I didn’t want to affect that closeness or limit how He speaks to me. It would hurt His heart if I rejected Him now. I couldn’t hurt my Father like that. I loved Him too much. Besides, all those times it was hard had been used to teach or remind me something about God that is hard to truly understand when everything’s going great.
So I said yes again to being open to whatever God calls me to do. This time I understood a little bit better what I was being called to do. Or at least I thought I knew where this train was headed…..
