As the taxi pulled out into the side street, my head fell into the back of the seat in front of me and I wept. We were headed to the highway which would take us to downtown Bangkok, and from there, sometime later, into yet another jet to yet another spot on the globe I’ve never been before. Yet another ministry and people to wrap my heart strings around…
How did I get here?
Who knew my heart would do so much feeling and so much hurting when parting with these places and these people that less than 30 days prior didn’t even know existed?
I was weeping though, not because this was yet another goodbye that my heart was not ready to speak, or in sadness because I had to leave (but I was indeed very incredibly sad), but I was weeping in completely overwhelmed gratitude and awe of the goodness and grace of my Father.
When has he not been enough?
When has he not filled the void of all I’ve lost with more than I could dream for?
When has his love and grace not been sufficient?
The wheels of my mind turned in remembrance of all the times in my past that God has restored such a hope and a peace in my heart in moments when I felt stripped bare of all I held dear.
In reflection, I will share some of those times. I pray that what would be seen in the story would be Jesus. Would that my life only testify of his heart of love.
My earliest memory of a heartbreaking loss was when Dad passed away. He was my best friend, my hero. Much of my life evolved around him, my admiration for him, my desire to please him, and just hanging out with him. I didn’t even realize how very much I was attached to him, until he was taken away. My heart was left empty; the beauty of life itself tainted because of what my heart was mourning.
Jesus opened my eyes and my heart in that time to understand the true meaning of life and the essence of life in its fullness, through relationship with him.
Jesus is my Daddy and he is more than enough.
7 years later I was living my dream as a teacher, success and purpose marked my life. My future was bright, many plans in place. I felt invincible in pursuing my dreams, which included pioneering an English school in Mexico, teaching more German and music.
All that closed though as a result of my choosing to leave the Amish. Once again stripped of what I knew and loved, I felt vulnerable and bare.
God in His mercy and grace reminded me of the sufficiency of Jesus Christ.
Jesus is my dream and he is more than enough.
In the months that followed I was beyond blessed with a new home, new community, friends and family who loved me, encouraged me, and valued me.
Once again I recognized a sense of security and belonging that I was attaching myself to.
Then World Race happened.
What I stepped into with bright anticipation and expectancy of all the grand things awaiting me beyond the horizons that bordered my life so far, suddenly found me greatly mourning the “loss” of all I’d left behind.
Again I felt stripped bare, robbed in fact. And to be painfully honest, for a while, I sought for one to blame.
Overwhelmed with questions, even at times the very raw one of “Was that really you God prompting me to choose World Race?”
Life on the field is hard and no time was wasted in my discovering that.
In midst of the turmoil of juggling that want of home and the lack of stability, the frequency of goodbyes, all the while haunted by the idea that I would be of better use in the kingdom in ministries back home, God says, “Edna, where are you?”
Again, my Father continues pursuing me with such great love even when I continue to turn away and allow brokenness and loss to overwhelm me.
Jesus is my source of abundant life, and He is more than enough.
So while leaving, losing, and saying goodbye still is such an ongoing theme in my life, I’m learning to turn my focus to the One who remains unchanging.
The love of Jesus overwhelms me and it is the overflow of that, that enables me to continue loving without reserve, even while knowing that the goodbyes will come.
It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.
And so I say, “Goodbye Asia. I love you.”
Edna
