I was given the opportunity to share a devotional with my squad in Nepal before heading into ministry for month 6. What I decided to share was some words that God spoke to me in a time of need in month 5 (Myanmar). Attached is the voice memo for you to listen to and below is a little written explanation.
I have always been an anxious person. Usually it only takes over my thoughts, so no one really knows when it is happening. I never let it show on the outside. Sometimes it gets to the point where I avoid social atmospheres because I cannot bare the thought of interacting. Yes, I am an extreme extrovert that sometimes gets extreme social anxiety. I am a walking oxymoron. And I am okay with that. God is teaching me how to overcome it.
One night in Myanmar I was feeling exceptionally anxious and could not sleep. I opened my phone and started listening to worship music. I opened up the notes on my phone and allowed God to speak to me through journaling. Below are the words God gave me. The voice memo is the whole devotional I shared with my squad. Give me grace. It was recorded on an iPhone. There are some muffles in the beginning. I am not one to voluntarily share a devotional with a group of people, no matter how close I am to them. Sharing with them was a big step and now sharing with you is a bigger step. I am praying that this benefits you in some way, big or small.
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There are moments when fear overtakes you and tries to swallow you whole.
Fear that you made a mistake.
Fear that you will never be forgiven.
Fear that you won’t be given a second chance.
Fear that you’ll never see yourself through a clear lens.
Fear that you’ll never recover from the grief and shame.
Fear that you will never be enough.
Fear that you’re unwanted.
Fear that you’re a reminder of brokenness.
You see what could’ve been. Who you could have been or should be.
But…
365 times the Lord says, “Do not be afraid” in the Bible. 365 times. He never says “shame on you” “my love is conditional” “my perception is always changing”. He speaks of love and forgiveness. Over and over and over again.
The Lord is called “redeemer.” He redeems what you can’t. Forgives what you won’t. Loves you when you can’t love yourself.
He stretches out His hand to you every day. Every morning He looks down and says, “My child! My beautiful, wonderful child. I’m so glad you’ve awoken. I missed you. I love you. I am so excited to spend today with you!” He is waiting for you to receive His outstretched hand, accept His love, bask in His forgiveness, soak in His mercy and return His love.
He doesn’t care how you messed up yesterday, last week or 10 years ago. “Forget the former things. Do not dwell on the past.” Isaiah 43:18 He doesn’t say pretend it didn’t happen. He says forget and don’t dwell. The definition of dwell is to: think, speak, write at length (particular subject, especially one that’s a source of unhappiness, anxiety, dissatisfaction). Synonyms for dwell: be obsessed by, eat ones heart out. Pretty gruesome thing if you think about it. Personally, I would rather move on than eat my heart out about something the Lord doesn’t worry himself over. Forgiving and continuing is more important to Him than looking back and dwelling on past mistakes. He has great things planned for you ahead.
But you can’t receive all of His promises by holding onto the shame of the past. Give it to Him, trust that He’ll take ciare of it, and fall into the treasures He’s hidden for you in the present. He sees you as dearly loved. His child. His treasure. His bride. His handiwork. Saving YOU is worth His sacrifice.
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
Philippians 4:8
