11-19-18
Tonight we did our nightly devotions with the children. We began with praise and worship time as usual. As I looked around the room Kendra and I were the only two adults out so I assumed that meant we were leading. As we played the last song I was racking my brain for ideas on what to teach for our devotion. The Lord quickly put emotions on my heart.
In a little less than a week we will be leaving our ministry site. In a couple of days the children will be finishing exams and go on break. Some children will go home to their families for the holiday. In a week one of the long term missionaries goes home. Needless to say there is a lot of change happening for these children right now. And you can tell by their behavior. The past few days I have seen sadness, smiles, anger, joy, and uncertainty in in these children’s faces. So when the Lord brought up emotions he knew what these kids needed.
We sat in a circle in the middle of the pavilion and talked about different kinds of emotions and that it is ok to have emotions because God made us with them. We talked about sadness and anger, that it is ok to feel that way, but not to dwell there and give it to God. We talked about happiness and joy that we get to praise the Lord for giving us these emotions. We discussed talking to God about our emotions and going to a close friend or trusting an adult to discuss how we feel. To end our time we had the children distinguish what emotion they were feeling now and pray about it. We also said after prayer if anyone would like to talk about how they feel, they could do so either with a friend or one of us.
As we closed our prayer I had two beautiful young women come up wanting to talk. Little 7 year old Hope had tears forming in her eyes. I asked her how she was feeling, she had no answer. I asked if she was sad and she said yes. When I asked why tears flowed from her eyes. She said, “You leave soon“. Man at those words my heart broke. As a team we made sure to be up front about the date we leave the kids so they were informed and not taken by surprise. Even so the deep connections we have made are not easy to say goodbye to.
This little girl has been jumping on my back, hugging me, and using me as a jungle gym since our fist week here. The deep love I have for her is not overlooked, while I am aware of attachment having a degree in psychology and that this is not the first children’s home I have been to, it does not make it any easier. I always have this constant battle in my head of wanting to love these children as Christ loves and knowing the repercussions of such a love. It hurts on both their end and mine. I ask myself often if it is worth it. The smile, the giggles, and the Love tells me it is but, on nights like this I begin to wonder again. As I comforted this adorable child of God, who always belts out her praises during worship, these questions began to stir in my mind. As I ran out of things to say I just held her, unsure if that was helpful or would be more hurtful in the end. I could think of nothing better to do with the small child who was hurting than to hold her and lift her up to the Lord. We sat in silence for a moment then took time to pray to our creator. I prayed for the Lord to comfort her, to heal her hurting heart and to bring her joy. We gave one another a tight hug and she went off to brush her teeth for the night.
I walked back to where we had our devotions to find Ruth Who also wanted to talk. She was having a fun time trying to drag Kendra around with two other girls help. As we walked to a quieter spot her deminer changed. She had this serious look on her face. I have had good, serious, and emotional conversations with her before so I knew she always takes a minute to begin talking, but man when she does she has such deep thoughts and questions. Tonight was no different.
She expressed she was mad at a friend. As we continued to talk she came to the conclusion she was more sad for this friend than she was mad at her. We discussed ways she could work past the anger she had and how to handle the situation. There was a pause in the conversation as I could tell she was thinking. She then hit me with this question, “What do you do when you are missing a friend?”. I was unsure where she was going with this or how to answer. I know communication for me as a young adult with technology is very different than it is a young girl who has limited way to communicate with those outside her local community. I was honest with her, that I would sometimes call friends or message them. That many of times when this wasn’t possible I would sit in sadness and cry out to the Lord. I would pray and intercede for them. I told her a story of no longer being able to talk with one of my foster sisters who lived with us when I was younger. Tears began to overflow from her eyes. She talked about a few of the friends she misses; some from the UK, others form the US, all whom had visited LightForce for some length of time.
She continued on with these words, “Why does God have to give us people who love us and then take them away.” I sat there dumbfounded, not able to speak. She went on, “sometimes I wish they would have never come because then I wouldn’t have know them.” Tears crept down her cheeks and I saw water begin to enter my vision. These statements began to replay in my head, I could only agree with her. I too have the same thoughts at times. But man, this young girl has had so many people come in and out of her life, each showing her so much love. The question of my presence here began to fill my head again. Was I really doing the work of the Lord when it seemed to break these children so much? I prayed for the right words and I still pray that they were what I was meant to say. I told her that each person who has passed through was there to show her God’s love. That’s all I had. I had no clue what else to say because I honestly am not sure why God does what he does sometime. We then took time to pray for her far off friends and her hurt. As I listened to the prayers of this young Christ like girl, these are some words that stuck out to me, “Let the blood of Christ be over their lives.” This young girl understood so much about our Savior and his longing for his people. Her prayer was so powerful, her words rang true in the depths of my heart. (I almost wanted to stop her and have her pray over me right then.)
After she finished there was a quite moment where she stared out into the night, I could see on her face she had more to say. She began to talk about some of the questions she asks God. “Why did God put me in this world?” I was taken aback. This young 12 year old was having questions I don’t think I ever thought of until college. So many thoughts where going through my mind. I told her how much of an encouragement she was to me. That she spurred me on in my relationship with the Lord. Seeing a young child worship and pray like she does makes you want to dive deeper into your relationship with the Lord. I also realized I didn’t have much advice other than to pray and talk to the Lord.
She sat there continuing to think. What came next was unexpected. “Why does God not answer me?” This broke my heart. I was at a loss because I too often have that same question. I know the Lord speaks to His children and I am confident in that, but I get where she is coming from. Sometimes I feel like the Lord doesn’t answer. For me I have noticed many times it’s because I am not listening. But as a vulnerable child when you ask God why he put you in this world and feel as if you get no answer it has to be difficult. We talked about different ways the Lord speaks and that his timing is perfect even if we do not understand. That sometimes he will answer us the next day or years from now or in heaven. I had nothing more to say, my human instinct wanted so badly to give her answers, but my spirt knew there was nothing I could say at the time.
We sat there in a tight embrace and prayed over all that we discussed. I walked away from that conversation with so many emotions. Some hit right away, while others are just hitting me now. I’m not sure where to go from here other than to sit in my father’s arms…
(I changed the names of the children.)
