I’m afraid to come home. Not because I don’t want to, not because I don’t miss everyone back home, but rather because I know things have changed. I know it’s going to look different, be different. You would think by now I’d be used to change seeing as how every month this past year I have packed my bag and moved to a new country. There has been a tremendous amount of change this year. Countries, teams, family, friends, myself, and my relationship with God. They have all changed, some more than others and some for the better. But, nonetheless, change has happened. I know even if I wasn’t away for a year change would still happen. Though, if I had stayed in one place, home, I could have been a part of the change going on there. But I’m not and now I have to step into it after not walking through the change with everyone. So that, that is why I am afraid to come home.
Coming on the World Race the biggest fear that I had to give to the lord was losing relationships with people. I adore the people in my life and I was so afraid of losing them. Whether that be due to distance, lives moving forward, or death. I was so afraid that the people I love and care for would leave me. Walking into the race that was the one thing I told the Lord I couldn’t handle. Well, a lot of what I feared has happened.
I have grown distant from some friends since January, people I care for have gotten married and had babies, my mom had a heart attack and my family has walked through struggles I haven’t been able to be there for. It hasn’t been easy having these things happen. It has hurt losing friendships, it has been scary seeing my family struggle, and at times it has been painful being away.
I told the Lord at the beginning of this journey I couldn’t handle this, but never thought to give it to Him. Although there has been a lot of change, there has also been relationships that have stayed close and grown stronger even through spotty communication. I have gotten to celebrate new covenants and the gift of life from afar with people who are close to my heart. My mom now has a new testimony of the Lord’s protection. I have learned I am not the fixer of my family’s struggles, but I have direct access to the one who is. It has been peaceful giving these things to the Lord. I praise God for the deeper relationships, I intercede on my families behalf now and I walk in the Joy of the Lord.
I’m not sure what will happen with all this when I come home, but I know that through it all God is good and He has a purpose. I am still declaring these words over my life because honestly I need the reminder often but…
This fear of losing people, of change, of loneliness, no longer has a hold on me because my mighty God is in control!
I am no longer afraid to come home even though the thought scares me at times. I am often reminded to walk in the freedom of the unknown with the Lord!
So dear friends, family, and community back “home”
This is hard.
I’m sorry I fail at communication sometimes
I’ve never been away from all the people I have loved for so long.
I need you!
I miss you a lot and I can’t say that enough!
The lord has blessed me so much with you and I’m so thankful.
Sometimes being miles and miles away from you is the hardest thing about this.
Friends I miss our movie nights, volleyball games, fires, and random adventures.
Family I miss the holidays, coming home on the weekends, farm life, and outings.
My people I truly do miss you.
I pray for you often!
The lord is showing me so much and growing me in ways I never thought possible.
Sometimes I feel like I left a part of myself back home with y’all.
Thank you for being a part of this journey with me.
I will see you soon!
