The Future
(Written 9/23/18)
Yes I know. It’s coming soon. The end of a season and the beginning of a new one.
What an absolute blessing that my Heavenly Father has brought me to places I never even dreamed I’d get to see, He’s given me the opportunity and His heart to fall in love with His children all over the world, He’s shown me the beauty of community, He’s taught me that He wants to have a personal relationship with me, He’s healed and is continuing to heal me from shame and hurt from the past, He’s shown me my true identity, He’s given me confidence in how He created me, He’s grown me and stretched me, He’s awakened passions in me that were lost and shown me ones I didn’t even know I had, He’s taught me how to forgive, He’s taught me how to love, He’s shown me to put others first, and to give away what’s been freely given to me.
SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED this entire year. It is BEYOND words.
I’m grateful and humbled to be right where He’s brought me. I don’t deserve to be here. I’m oh so blessed.
Month 9 in Ethiopia is quickly coming to a close.
Sometimes I wish time would stop and sometimes I wish I could fast forward to when I get to jump in the car with some of my favorite people and hop on I-80 on the way to Winnemucca, Nevada. Sometimes I wish I could rewind and see people I’ve met on this journey, sometimes I wish I could speed up to the moment I get to put my Queen vinyl on my record player and drink Le Croix, and sometimes I wish I could see 5 years from now and know what God wants me to do.
I feel a wrestling sometimes about staying present where I am and getting excited to go home.
I feel a mixture of emotions of saying goodbye to the family God has given me this year and all the beautiful people I’ve gotten to do life with and meet along the way. I also feel overjoyed by the thought that someday soon I’ll get to reunite with my mom, dad, brother, and niece, my best friend Chelsea, my sponsor, my mentor and friend Jen, my Serenity Seekers, my D3 Family, my Zumba Family, my community group, and so many more lovely friends and people God’s put in my life.
Honestly though, along with all of this comes FEAR. I know that’s not from the Lord. I’m just being honest.
I’m terrified that when I get home I’ll finally see how much God has grown me and won’t really know what to do.
I’m scared of being asked how it all was and have no idea how to begin sharing how God rocked my world everyday for an entire year.
I’m scared no one will really care and will only want to talk about themselves.
I’m scared that I won’t live up to expectations people may have of me.
I’m scared for people to see that I still do have flaws and shortcomings and that the work He is done in me won’t show as much as I hope it will.
I’m scared that I’ll talk too much about it.
I’m scared of going into a grocery store and being overwhelmed by options and luxury.
I’m scared I’ll go to a restaurant and be upset at how much excess I’m blessed with in America when the the amount of money it takes to go out to eat at a nice restaurant for a big family could feed an entire school and their staff for a week in Haiti that are starving.
I’m scared that I won’t know how to interact with others.
I’m scared that my friends and family won’t know how to be around me anymore because I’ve changed.
I’m scared I’ll lose what I’ve learned and the fire I have for The Lord.
I’m scared of drowning in distractions, noise, the busyness of our culture in America, and the mindset that our identity and worth is in our occupation and how much money we make.
Probably what I would say I’m scared of the most is the question I know is coming:
Courtney, what are you going to do now?
The truth is that I really am not sure.
I just finished reading The Book of Judges in The Bible (Judges 14, 15, and 16). Specifically with Samson he did what he thought was right in his own eyes and would ask Hod for help when he was in a pickle. God still used Samson for His glory, but Samson’s life did not glorify the Lord, he did all the things he wasn’t supposed to and expected God to be there when things went wrong.
I don’t want to be like Samson or the Israelites.
I want to consult The Lord and ask Him for His guidance, not just in big decisions, but all of them because the small ones make the big ones.
Another part of scripture I keep thinking about is
Matthew 6:19-24
Specifically these words:
YOU CANNOT SERVE GOD AND MONEY.
I don’t know what’s next.
Some of the passions I’m learning I have are:
•The word
•prayer
•writing
•music/guitar
•soccer
•teeth (dentistry)
•arts/crafts/creating
•people who struggle with addictions/alcohol and wanting them to know hope and God’s truth
•dancing
•reading
•adventure
•biking
•exercise (running & crossfit)
•Soccer
•making videos for others
I know I’m not guaranteed tomorrow and this very moment is absolutely precious.
I just wanted to express what I’m walking through when I think about re-entry back home.
I’m not sure what’s next, I just pray that whatever it is it makes God smile and that He is proud of me.
I’m learning that Jesus can bring Kingdom right where we are. It doesn’t matter where we are in the world.
Will you please join me in prayer to:
•be where my feet are and stay present
•continue to dig into His word
•not be focused on myself
•trusting The Lord
•not miss what He wants to teach me these last two months
•peace for re-entry
•clarity about the next season
•safety, provision, and protection
Thank you for reading these!
Blessings,
Courtney
