*okay, so this one is vulnerable -yikes- but I’m hoping it helps someone somehow. So here we go…
A Love Letter
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Faithful
Am I?
For me the commitment started the moment I said, “yes.”
But you… oh you.. you said “yes” before I even took my first breath.
You are perfect.
I wanted you more than anything else. Back then. When the life I had planned for myself slipped through my fingertips and you were the only sure thing I had left.
The storm clouds of my gloominess from the fresh stab wounds in my trust in man hovered overhead.
But blinding rays of your light were relentless and continued to shine through the dark no matter how hard it tried to swallow me.
I had hope more than any other time in my life. The sadness I had was gracefully paired with an absolute joy to finally have the freedom to choose you completely like you had already done for me.
I wanted to completely give you my heart, you see.
I didn’t want our relationship to be tainted in anyway. I had spent my entire life previously running from you without knowing it and I finally was running to you. I wanted to do it right.
I wanted to be entirely ready to give you everything. And I was. I was ready to take that bold step towards you and into your arms forever and I did.
I professed my love for you to strangers and friends right before I was gently submerged in water.
You were there. I couldn’t see you but I know you were with me.
The seconds I spent immersed underneath the surface, I died. The Courtney I used to be died.
Like you did. You died. You did it all first. I could because you already did.
Then you revived me and gave me your breath and your life. I was made new through your sacrifice for me, for all of us. My sins were washed away by the innocent blood you shed on the cross. I rose again out of the water a new creation overflowing with you.
The new eyes you freely gave me changed EVERYTHING.
I saw myself differently. I saw the world differently. I saw beauty, life, and light in unexpected places. I was forever changed.
In the beginning I would do anything for you. I was on fire for you. I couldn’t read enough about you because that was how I knew to reach you. I started my days zealously on my knees in prayer thanking you for another day and faithfully asking for your guidnace.
I struggled seeing past the pain of my heart covered in wounds and bruises but I trusted you and I followed you. I still do.
I was never alone, you had faithfully been at my side the whole time.
You opened a new path for me that began when you kindly offered me to quench myself with a large overfilling glass of my pride which was essential for the beginning of my new life with you.
The paths ahead were handcrafted by you and you showed me the way as you turned the knobs and walked me through.
You always knew what was best for me and always will.
You are perfect.
Jesus, please forgive me.
Almost two years later and you are the one who has remained faithful.
You are always there, you support me, you listen to me, you know me completely and you still love me. You pull me out of holes I dig myself. You tell me I’m beautiful when I can’t see it. You provide my every need. You give me courage when I get scared. You direct me where to go when I veer off or get lost. You equip me with everything I need at anytime. You erase my stress and envelope me in peace.
You are perfect.
And You chose me…
Who forgets. Doesn’t always listen. Doesn’t consistently put you first. Gets distracted. Does things independently and then asks for help when things go array. . .
Me who is undoubtedly going to screw up and put other things before you.
The craziest thing about it all is that you knew that.
You committed knowing completely who I was and that I would falter. You willingly gave your life for me with no expectations for anything in return.
You knew I couldn’t live without you so you selflessly gave of yourself knowing full well I would forever fall short.
You are perfect.
There’s nothing I could ever do to stop your love for me.
My heart has sought after things that are fleeting. Things that take my focus from you. The shiny new commitment I made to you 2.5 years ago has been challenged and tested. It’s lost it’s shine and looks worn and used through hardships faced.
I just don’t understand why you ever chose me. I don’t deserve your perfect love. You deserve so much better than I could ever give you.
Faithful?
Am I?
Jesus. Please have all the things I have put before you. Social media. Food. Music. Things. Desire for knowledge over relationship. Eagerness and focus on the future. Family and friends. .. take it all please. When it comes back, please take it again and again.
I don’t want separation from you. I don’t want distraction from you.
I want it all to be shiny and new like it used to be but I don’t want to compare what I have with you now vs what it used to be because I’m so grateful for what I’ve learned about you, what we’ve walked through together, and the adventures we’ve had.
You see, commitment is terrifying. I’m not sure what it’s supposed to look like or how it’s done. I know the honeymoon phase is wearing thin and true commitment isn’t running away when things get hard or monotonous. You’ve already shown me it’s possible to love when it’s all one-sided but I’m ready to take that bold step towards you again. I want to hit the throttle and propel through this season of comfort and taking you for granted.
Jesus. I love you. I’m thankful for all you’ve done for me. Why do I seem to cling to you the closest when I’m hurting? I want to be there for you like you’re there for me. I want to know more about you and get closer to you. I want to start my days with zeal for you and your word again. I’m entirely ready to give you everything again. I’m running to you again because I need you and truly nothing is better than being in your arms, will you catch me?
Jesus, you are perfect. Thank you for all of everything you’ve done.
Eternally yours,
Court
