Day one, of month four, on my world race gap year. Mixed feelings to say the least. Some wish I would say, “Ah, I miss home so much! So ready to come home! Maybe I’ll leave early.” Others, “We are raising people from the dead over here! Thousands or maybe even hundreds are getting saved!” Yeah, neither of those are true but that definitely doesn’t mean I don’t miss my people here and there and that definitely, definitely doesn’t mean Papa is not doing miracles and that people aren’t getting saved. The world race is more then I could have ever imagined and continues to get better and harder all at the same time. How? I don’t know but good question.
Month four, and people are starting to ask, “Corbyn what are your plans when you get home?” Real talk, I have no idea. People are planning road trips, people are applying to colleges and getting scholarships. People are looking for jobs and planning to move in with friends. (P.S. I know my family is ready this and thinking gosh, I hope the Lord is telling her to go to college after the race or get a big kid job. Breathe y’all, it’s going to be okay. lol) I honestly haven’t thought about what I am going to do after the race. Until the last couple of days and I can’t get it off my mind. I’m kind of a last minute person but I like to have a plan when it comes to “big life decisions” but in all my worry, in all my uncertainty, in all the expectations I feel like I have to fill to be, “good enough” to make it in this world, I’ve realized it’s all a facade. It’s all what we have made up in our heads to feel good about ourselves. But that’s all a lie and our Papa loves us right where we are and He holds our future no matter how much we feel like we have to have control, we don’t have it. He does and He has our best interest at hearts and He knows what we want. Papa actually wants you to enjoy your life. Following the Lord is not miserable like we act like sometimes. It’s actually a joy to serve the King of Kings who bankrupt Heaven to love us.
So I’m sitting outside under the moon light, perfect weather, not December weather but more like mid June because I happen to be in Thailand in December. Sharing my concern and worry about my future with my Papa. Trying to figure out what the Lord wants me to do next year because as my mother would say, “Ah, Corbyn it’s time to figure it out. You can’t wait till the last minute for everything.” So I’m like, “Jesus, ah can you maybe tell me what you want me to do with my life or like a hint maybe?” You know, acting like God keeps stuff from us or something. Like He dangles His almighty plans over us and laughs as we struggle to blindly follow Him in our lives. No, no people that’s a lie. That is not true but it feels like the case sometimes. “Don’t bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn’t a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we’re in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn’t think of such a thing. You’re at least decent to your own children. So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?” (Matthew 7:11, James 1:17, and Psalm 20:4)In all my chaos a small child walked over to me. He sat down beside me and pointed at my note book. I stopped and took my blaring Bethel music head phones out of my ears, (You know, so I could maximize my spiritual experience.) and smiled at him. We can both say about as much as each other in Thai and English. Which is about as much as Hello and thank you. Charades begin as he attempts to ask me what I’m doing. Trying to explain, soon turns to sitting in silence with a giggle here and there and never ending smiles. He reached down and picked up some slips of colored paper on the ground and started to line them up, so I jumped in too. As I started watching him take these little pieces of paper and use his God given, huge imagination to create something, Papa began to speak to me in the silence. Me over here, all consumed with the future like I have control of it or something. Me over thinking and worrying about something months and months away while I’m literally in my day dream, serving the Lord in Thailand. Papa softly whispers to my chaotic mind and says, ”I’ve been preparing you for what your going to do, your whole life. Every lesson, every challenge, and every obstacle to prepare you, teach, and grow you for this. Your life will not be wasted; it will mean something because you’ve given it to me. This coming year will be even more then this one. Let me make the plans. I’ll shut and open doors. Trust me, I’ve got you.” Papa was showing me through David how detailed and intentional with each passion, each desire, each interest we have and how He’ll use them all together more then we could ever imagine. I watched David’s creative, detail oriented mind place the pieces of paper so perfectly and he is so content just sitting with me. I watched him as he waited patiently for me to lay my piece of paper down and then he would go. So patient, so kind, and so simple but complex all the same time. Papa spoke so clearly about the big plans he had for David’s future and how He was going to use both of us.
What’s kind of funny is the things we hate the most about our personality or body the Lord uses more then any part. The most insecure parts of us He made, He breathed life into and will use to do amazing things if we let Him. So through all of this, the Lord is showing me how to walk in the person He personally designed me to be, not on accident but totally on purpose. All the dorky parts of me to make people laugh. All the BOLD parts of me to teach what He’s taught me. The call I have to speak, even when my whole life I was told I couldn’t He will use and that desire is actually from Him. I am so excited to see what the next chapter of my life holds. Even though I have no clue, I know the One who does and He’s got me and He’s got you. Why would I ever try to be in control when He’s got me? I don’t know but I’m definitely still learning how to let go and trust in all things, in all circumstances especially when it makes no sense. I don’t know how I got so lucky to be this recklessly pursued by the King of Kings but I’m blown. away. and beyond thankful.
