Dearest supporters,
Bear with me in this blog, as it may be lengthy, but I’ll be about as brief giving you the synopsis of a novel. That one’s for you, Dad!
I apologize for not having written a blog in quite some time, as many good things are being done throughout His world. I have already written a blog but not been able to post it yet due to WiFi access, and now that I’m ready to post, I’ve become convicted that what I wrote was not necessarily what was needed. Something deeper, something that tears back the dressings of the heart is required for growth to occur.
God has been teaching me a lot, but most of all I’ve been nothing short of a witness to His intricate provision. It was not something I was entirely conscious of in the past, nor have I – since I am being vulnerable – necessarily wanted to “receive” it.
Why is this? I suppose when I put my hands in the mud and the mire of my circumstances, I gain relief when I know that the labor of my hands has done something satisfactory. Knowing that what I accomplished was something worthy of note. Though His hands are at work in the Old and New Testament in the Bible, how often do I find myself unwilling, unyielding, to allow Him to work in my own life? Why do I find myself in this limitative idea? Is it a lack of trust? Possibly. What engenders this lack of trust, I wonder?
I know the Bible. I know the stories. I know His word. I know the Psalms. I know Proverbs. I know wisdom. “I hide (His) word in my heart so that I might not sin against it.” (Psalm 119:11). And most of all, I’ve read about His PROVISION. Yet, despite all of this head knowledge, something…something…something has inhibited me from allowing it to take root in all of my heart, for I only let it conquer the corners. Why? It’s because it is there I harbor my idle vows, and there find my deepest pains.
My team has just concluded our first debrief in Sri Lanka after our first two months on the field in Australia and Indonesia. I didn’t have much expectation for debrief, as I thought it would be like any other, “Oh, hi! Good to see you! How are you doing,” and any other vain passing conversation. How wrong was I. Parts of it were too ‘touchy, feely’ for me, but that doesn’t negate the truth that rested within them.
It was here I was reminded of the words of C.S. Lewis, from his radio broadcasts, and eventual book Mere Christianity. “You asked for a loving God, you have one…Not a senile benevolence that drowsily wishes you to be happy; not the cold philanthropy of a conscientious magistrate; not the care of a host who feels responsible for the comfort of his guests; but the consuming fire Himself, the Love that made worlds, persistent as an artist’s love for his work, provident and venerable as a father’s love for a child, and as jealous and inexorable and exacting as the love between a man and a woman.”
I asked for a loving God…and I have one. So why do I push away His provision?
But, now I’ve come to understand what the Psalmist says, “If I go up to the heavens, you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.” (Psalm 139:8). No matter where I go, He is there. He’s become so evident these past few weeks, I’ve no other alternative but to fall before His overwhelming kindness. 
He’s provided a place to rest my head late at night when we put down the wrong check-in date for a hostel in Jakarta, Indonesia (a huge, bustling city of 10 million people). He’s provided my team and I with unexpected free meals in Bandung, Batuan, Kuta, and others. He’s provided us with local contacts we met just walking along the street (absolute mad timing). He’s provided us with opportunities that I would never have even considered or dreamed of, like hosting football camps (soccer, for you Americanos), preaching the Good News, loving on kids, and so much more. (I would love to share more about these things in person). He’s provided me with a team that I can trust and confide in, and who are equally as passionate about His word – and perhaps even more so than I. And He’s provided me with people who will challenge me, encourage me, and walk alongside with me with a zeal for God’s house. Through all of this, I’ve seen His love for me enacted through my squad, my team, my leaders, and the local people I’ve come across in each country.
How was I to do any of that with my own hands? I can’t. I wasn’t supposed to. I can’t even rationalize how some of the things I was able to do happened, because I wasn’t meant to. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6) It is here I am just beginning, though I’ve walked with God for some time, to understand that my closeness to Him does not correlate to my nearness to Him. And there’s so much more to go see, discover, unearth, and plant!
In parting for today, may the words of a Puritan, from the book Valley of Vision, provide a new way forward for you as it has for me. “Revive deep spirituality in my heart; let me live near to the Great Shepard, near His voice, to know its tones, follow its calls. Keep me from deception by causing me to abide in truth, from harm by helping me to walk in the power of the Spirit.”
