I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: I don’t have it all together. As a world racer, I definitely don’t have it all together. As a squad leader, I certainly don’t have it all together. And as a Christian, I really don’t have it all together.
So I struggle. I have internal battles just like everyone else. And when my circumstances aren’t ideal, I don’t do well. I question my purpose. I question the Lord’s goodness. I just start questioning everything. I start having little tantrums in my head as I get mad at what I’ve been given. In my head and in my heart, I am a pretty ugly person. And my negativity becomes a parasite that starts eating at me from the inside.
Well when we got to Panama, I was really excited. The Lord completely changed our route because He really wanted us in Panama. He had something for us here. But as we were getting settled into our life here in Panama, there were a few inconveniences that popped up. Living situations and ministry placements have been hard to adjust to here. I don’t want to give too many details, but I am just having a hard time figuring out my purpose and our team’s purpose here at the ministry.
So I’ve been frustrated. Lord, if you called us here, why does it seem like we aren’t doing anything really fruitful. Why does it seem like we don’t have a real influence here? These questions keep taking residence in my mind and I can’t shake them. And because I’m not content, I get more frustrated at myself because I should be content with whatever I am given. So it’s this never ending cycle of frustration and honestly, pure anger.
It’s honestly pretty embarrassing sharing this because I shouldn’t be responding like this. But it’s the truth. And like I said, I can be pretty ugly inside.
Well yesterday, ministry was canceled so we decided as a team to go for a prayer walk. We split off into pairs and we just walked the neighborhood and prayed. We prayed for our time, for the other teams on our squad, for the construction that is going on at local churches, and for people that we have met. For the first time since being here, I felt peace. I felt peace that my prayers were enough. I felt peace knowing that my prayers were doing way more for the Kingdom then my physical work. And I was okay with that. I was okay that my prayers might be all that I can do here.
So with that said, I think our ministry might be prayer this month. I think that is our purpose. If all that we do this month is connect with the Lord in conversation and pray for what we see here in Panama, it will be enough. Because in Isaiah 55:11, it says, “so shall my word be that goes from my mouth; it shall not return to me void.” Our words that we are praying won’t go void.
As I’m working through these frustrations, the Lord keeps giving me more of His peace just like He promised He would if I asked for it.
“The Lord sits enthroned over the flood; the Lord sits enthroned as king forever. May the Lord give strength to his people. May the Lord bless his people with peace.” Psalm 29:10-11
