Treasury. I didn’t want the job, but did it anyway.At the time, I thought it was happenstance that I wound up holding the position of treasurer on my team. Now, looking back I can see how God used it to bring me into more freedom. Freedom from perfection. Freedom from people pleasing. Freedom from the fear of failing.
Each team has a treasurer, and it’s the treasurer’s job to withdraw money for the team and record how it’s spent. The whole team is responsible for remaining within the designated budget, but the treasurer is the one who has access to the accounting report. I disliked most of the aspects involved in treasury: reporting the actual information, telling people no, not knowing how to do things accurately and having to ask for help. I disliked how unproductive I felt.
I was given the position in the middle of month three, when circumstances on my team changed, so much of my training was done on the job, where everyone who could answer my questions was at least a couple cities away. Initially, I felt like a burden to the other treasurers and stateside staff. Then, I became afraid of how my team perceived me. One incredibly hot day in Morocco, I went to Starbucks while they went to work. I needed internet to input reports, and typically Starbucks is a solid place to go for that–the fact that it provided some relief from the heat was an extra plus. After a taxi ride and a long line, I settled into my seat only to find out for one reason or another the internet wouldn’t connect to my devices. After numerus failed attempts and asking employees for help, I reluctantly left and headed back to the hostel. I felt defeated.
I’d already convinced myself that my team would be put-off by the fact that I spent the day in an air- conditioned Starbucks and didn’t get any of the work done that I set out to do. I dreaded sharing the news, “No, I didn’t get the treasury stuff done, and yes I will need to try again somewhere new soon.” “Yes, the place will be air-conditioned, and yes I will be forced to purchase a delicious item off the menu in order to complete my duty for the team.” I was convinced I needed to justify my actions, despite knowing I hadn’t done anything wrong.
To my surprise, each person met me with grace. They trusted that I had good will. They loved me, and didn’t see it as a failure at all. They extended grace freely and practically supported me by taking note of locations with a strong WIFI signal the rest of our time together.
Fast-forward, it was month 4 and team changes were coming month five. I could not wait! I loved my team, but team changes meant role changes, and I was beyond excited to slip out of the treasury position. Our teams were announced and began to gather. As I was heading to meet up with my new team I felt a tap followed by, “You have done an amazing job at treasury and we would like you to keep that position for this next month.” I looked at my new team quickly assessing that I was the only one who had experience with treasury and could hold the position. Perturbed, and feeling like the invitation was more of an expectation, I said I would do it.
The following day, I was still angry, too angry. I was surprised by my level of frustration. Why was I so upset? At this point, I had been treasurer for 2 months and pretty much had things figured out. Once you know what to do, lack of good internet is the main frustration. So why was I so annoyed? I couldn’t figure out where the depth of my emotions where coming from, so I asked God to show me what was going on.
That is when I realized–it wasn’t about treasury. I know how to balance a budget and practice good monetary stewardship. It was about the fear of the perception that came along with treasury. Fear that people would think I was controlling. Fear that people were mad at me for saying no. Fear that I wouldn’t measure up to expectations, fear of judgement. So much fear!!
As I was journaling, I paused and wrote a letter to myself from God.
Dearest Catherine, my love. I created you with a strong sense of right and wrong. I made you. I love you. I don’t make mistakes. Let this month of treasury be one of growth. Grow in confidence. Pray and ask me if you are desiring control, I will tell you. Grow in denouncing lies. The Holy Spirit lives in you; we speak to you. Don’t give the enemy a foothold. Your treasury ability, success/failure is in no way connected to your self-worth. It does not make you adequate or inadequate. You are not more important because the budget is balanced, as you are not a failure when things are out of whack. Your worth does not waver. You are precious beyond measure. I love you so much that I sacrificed my Son. My Son loves you so much that he CHOSE to cover all of your short comings. He chose you. I chose you. You are perfect in my sight.
I finished my role as treasurer, whoohoo! I’m glad I did it one more month. I’m glad that God showed me all of the lies and invalid pressures I was making up. This past month of treasury truly was a month of restoration. God gave me freedom from perfection. My success or failure has nothing to do with my worth. God gave me freedom from people pleasing. Other’s perception of my work doesn’t hold any weight over God’s truth. God gave me freedom from fear. I am loved, known, accepted, and chosen by God.
Isaiah 41:10 encourages us, “Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”
2 Timothy 1:7: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind”
Much love! Catherine
