I was getting ready for bed a few weeks ago, listening to my “Contemporary Christian” pandora station as I typically do, when a song came on that I had never heard before. It was Bethel Music’s “In Over My Head.” The lyrics caught my attention SO fast, like I literally stopped moisturizing my face to concentrate on listening to the words lol. I felt like the lyrics were being sung directly to me.
Then you crash over me, and that’s where You want me to be
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head
I actually started writing this blog over a month ago right after I heard this song, but I was having a hard time getting my words out. Last month I was feeling completely and utterly in over my head. I’m not the type of person who typically gets stressed out, I just roll with the punches and go with the flow. But I was in a funk. Like a bad funk. I hated school (which is not me at all, I want to be teacher after all). I wasn’t doing homework. I didn’t even have the textbooks to do my homework. I didn’t make binders for my classes. I wasn’t paying attention in class. I lacked any and all motivation. I was in a bad mood all of the time and I did not care about a thing. I honestly think I had a slight case of depression, which is also not the normal me. Ask any of my close friends, they can vouch for me. I was in a funk.
I ended up having to evacuate Charleston for a few days due to hurricane Irma and I got to spend a few nice days at home with my family. I did not want to go back to school AT ALL. I asked my mom if I could drop out of college lol. She said no. So back to school I went. I was still in a funk, but it wasn’t quite as bad. I just couldn’t figure out why I was feeling the way I was. It didn’t make sense to me, I just knew I felt like I was in over my head. Eventually, I decided to spend some time with God about it and I finally made my binders for class and I snapped out of it. It’s funny what Jesus and some organization can do.
Now, one month later, I’m finally finishing this blog and yet again…I’m feeling in over my head. For the first time I am starting to see how I’m going to have to make sacrifices to go on the world race. I have wanted to do this for so long, that I have not worried about the logistics of getting a job when I get back from the world race. I didn’t care that I wasn’t going to start teaching right after graduation like all of my friends and classmates are going to do. Now I’m beginning to see how much I love teaching (shout out to my second graders) and that it’s not going to be so easy to leave that behind for a year. (The good news is I’m 99.9% sure I will have plenty of opportunities to use my gift of teaching on the world race!)
Now, the topic of getting jobs is starting to be discussed, but I’m not going to get one like everyone else. It’s surprisingly hard. The thought of getting back in July of 2019 and having a month in half to find a teaching job is stressing me out a little. I wasn’t worried about it at all before, because I’ve always had the faith that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to, so why worry about it? I still have that faith, but now I’m starting to think about the logistics. I mean, how am I expected to get back after 11 months of radically living for Jesus, dying to self, literally being his hands and feet, and then just adjust back to “normal life,” find some job openings, get interviews, and then get hired all in a month and a half after getting back?? Like, whaaaaaaattttttttt??!!
I should probably mention that I am a Teaching Fellow in the state of South Carolina which requires you to teach in SC for 4 years to “pay” back the money they give you for school. I’m using my one grace year to do the world race. So again, that leaves me roughly a month in a half to find a job once I get back. There are a few other routes I could take if need be, but the ultimate goal is to start teaching when I get back.
I know I said earlier I can “roll with the punches” and it sounds like I’m completely contradicting myself, but just work with me here. Right now I don’t know how it’s going to work when I get back. I don’t know what it’s going to look like. I need a loose plan, something to make me feel like I know what’s going on. I am free falling and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Thankfully, I have some great mentors, professors, and friends in my life who are helping me work through all of this and figure it out. But wow. The struggle is real right now.
And then there’s fundraising. What example is better for feeling in over my head? Raising $18,100 will be impossible on my own. Seriously. There is no way I can raise that amount of money, but I’ve got God on my side. If He wants me to go, then I will. He will provide. Maybe He will use you to provide or maybe He won’t, but I do encourage you to pray about it and see if He’s calling you to support my trip. Only through Christ and supporters will I be able to go!
And I don’t want anyone to get me wrong, I am still sooooooo excited for the world race. So excited. I know I’m exactly where I’m meant to be, even if that means He’s calling me out where I’m in over my head. I think sometimes God wants you to feel like you are in over your head so you have no choice but to surrender it all to Him. I think too often we want to have control or at least feel like we do and that can turn our eyes away from God. We feel like we don’t need help, because we “got this.” It’s times when we are in over our heads that we finally see that we can’t do anything without God.
Sometimes it can feel like everything is working against you, when in reality it’s God directing you down the path he has called you to. God will open the doors he wants to open for you and close the doors he wants to close for you. Sometimes you just have to have faith in walking blindly.
I’m honestly not even sure if anything I’ve written has made any sense at all. I just wanted to write a little something about what I’ve been struggling with and feeling. I hope this encourages anyone who might be feeling like they’re in over their heads and that this reminds you that even when we feel like we have no control, God always has control and that’s something we can have peace in.
Luke 12:22-26
“Do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?”
Thanks for reading and check out the song I mentioned below!
