Beautiful; a word that I’ve never used to describe myself. And it honestly wasn’t until the World Race that I finally realized that I didn’t see myself in that way.
Growing up I was always the odd one out. I had the super awkward teen years and my friends were always much prettier in my eyes.
Around my time in middle school I began to realize that my friends received more attention from guys which quickly began to dwindle my self confidence. And as I began to think less and less of myself the devil started to make me believe that my worth and beauty was found in the way guys interacted with me.
So there I was, a girl with low self confidence, finally getting attention from a guy. FINALLY feeling somewhat beautiful because someone showed me the attention I was waiting for. After so many years of waiting, I thought I finally found the attention I deserved, or so I thought. But it only left me feeling worthless and unworthy of being loved.
But it’s okay! Because I can just pile on the makeup, go to the tanning bed, and dress in a way that will get me noticed, right? Surely that will work.
Oh, but it didn’t.
“There must be something wrong with me,” “No one wants me,” “I’m not pretty enough for him,” were the lies that the devil constantly wanted me to believe.
So here I am, at the age of 21, finally accepting the fact that I don’t see myself as beautiful and realizing that I find my worth in how others see me. Back at home I was able to cover up my self confidence issues with makeup, cute hair do’s, and hipster outfits. But here I’m as raw as it gets, no makeup, natural hair, and sometimes clothes that’s been worn for weeks at a time.
While sitting and allowing the Lord to speak to me one day, praying that he’d help me see me the way he see’s me, he showed me a yellow flower. At the time I had no idea what this yellow flower meant, but I knew that at some point he would show me. And what do you know, not long after my quiet time I walked downstairs to help the kids with their homework and while I was helping I looked down at a little girls piece of paper and there it was, a yellow flower.
So I thought it stopped there, but then the Lord reminded me of a time in October during training camp where I was sitting with my team and as we were doing listening prayer, which is a time where you allow the Lord to speak through you to prophesy over someone, a leader spoke over me that I was a wildflower, that I bloomed wherever I was planted.
Then, fast forward back to Haiti, not long after God showed me the yellow flower, I’m sitting with my team after sharing my testimony. After sharing our testimonies we do what’s called the World Race prayer, where the person who shared their testimony gets in the middle and we all pray at once for that person out loud. So here I am, in the middle of the circle, with my precious teammates surrounding me praying such sweet words over me. After the prayer my team leader Haley then shared with me the vision the Lord gave to her as she was praying, which was a single flower in the middle of field with a gardener watering and grooming it.
Flowers. Flowers. Flowers. Okay Jesus, I get it. You want me to see Flowers, but what about them? That they’re breathtakingly beautiful? Or that sometimes when they droop or wither away the gardener comes in and grooms his precious plant, tending to it daily, causing the flower to bloom back to it’s beautiful form again? Wait, woah… Okay Jesus I’m listening.
But why yellow?
And then it hit me one day as I was doing my quite time. One thing that I’ve noticed and always loved about my eyes is that they have yellow sunflowers in them. The pupil being the middle of the flower and the yellow around my pupil creating a beautiful little yellow flower. And then I thought, what if my Heavenly Father placed those beautiful little yellow flowers in my eyes so that one day when he knew I’d be struggling with my self worth and confidence that they would be a reminder that the creator of this world, the one who formed me, finds me beautiful and took his time molding me into his unique and wonderful creation.
Wow. He loves me that much!
And now I see his reminders EVERYWHERE. On our hike up a mountain during our time in Haiti, on a run during my first few days in the Dominican, in a bush next to my new favorite quiet time spot. And each time I see those flowers, the ones looking back at me in the mirror and the ones freshly blooming in the ground I’m reminded that I am loved and found precious in the sight of the One true King.
