Talk about a lesson in humility and depending on/trusting others.
In the past I have always considered myself a pretty independent and self-sufficient human. I never want to be a burden to other people which leads to avoiding ever asking for help. In the midst of the race it’s definitely been revealed that this is TOTALLY a lack of trust in other people, insecurity that people won’t actually care enough to help me even if I ask, and pride in my own abilities and lack of need for anyone else.
But then I hurt my foot. And in my pride, I didn’t really care for it the way I should have out of trying to minimize my pain and minimize the amount of reliance I actually had on my team.
I remember asking for little things from my team. Things like refilling my water or running upstairs to grab something I forgot. These seemingly minor requests were SO HARD for me. Wow. Things that I would volunteer to do without second thought if positions were swapped seemed to me like I was asking the WORLD of my friends.
But for at least the first week I was forced to ask, to rely, and to humble myself. This is a hugeeeeeee, ginormous area of needed growth for me even now. Something in me says “if you invite other people in when you’re struggling, it’ll be too much for them. It’ll be a burden, people will leave, and you’ll be left alone. Be the strong one no matter the personal cost.”
The other cool part of the story is the picture this scenario painted. I still had a choice to allow myself to be served and helped. And there were definitely times when I chose to hobble around and just bare the physical pain instead of allow my team to serve. But that allowed me to see that I can continue to live my life the way I have in the past. Independent, self-sufficient, hobbling around in pain sometimes. Or I can chose to change. To allow community a space in my life and to let people in. It’s a lot less painful and community gives the opportunity for true encouragement, support and lift.
I’m still trying to figure out where/when I got this burden idea in my head. I know it’s not true but I’ve lived my life as if it’s true for so long. Habits, even in ways of thinking, are so hard to undo!
The Lord used my sprained ankle to illuminate this blind spot in my life.
for the prequel/sequel to this blog see:
http://amberpharazyn.theworldrace.org/post/injuries-in-india
http://amberpharazyn.theworldrace.org/post/an-end-to-the-ankle-saga
