I’m pretty sure I started this blog back in Guatemala month 2, but didn’t actually know how to communicate my thoughts until now… ish… Many of these thoughts have been echoed throughout conversations with squadmates and I’m sure ya’ll back home can relate too.
“One of my biggest fears in life is to forget. To forget experiences, places or people.
To be forgotten, however, seems far worse.
Throughout this journey there have been countless moments where my mind drifts to ‘home’ and I genuinely wonder,
“Have they all forgotten me?”
It’s a lie I’ve battled pretty much since the beginning.
Pre-race, I thought that this crazy thing I was doing would be really interesting to people. That the things I learned and experiences I’ve had would evoke reaction or at least acknowledgement.
I didn’t have this conscious thought but I expected more people to reach out while I was gone. I have so many solid relationships back home and I figured every time I had wifi, between social media, email, texts, I’d be flooded with reminders of how loved I was at home.
Well, that has not been my experience. While I receive affirmation from home it’s certainly dwindled over the past 10 months.
I’ve struggled with feeling like I’ve been totally forgotten. Abandoned. That I don’t really have anything to come home to. That everyone’s lives have moved on and I am no longer needed or wanted as part of my pre-race life.
Take it a step further- I am anticipating being forgotten by my squad, leadership, and the plethora of hosts I’ve served over the months. I’ve already struggled with thinking that after the race, these relationships will be all but finished. I’m not the best at long distance relationships and knowing that in a few short weeks this whole journey will be over and we will each go our separate ways… Just seems like the beginning of the end.
Lies suck!
To feel like your old community has forgotten, and your current community is about to… Where do you go?
Over the last few weeks I’ve been studying the book of John. I’ve learned about Jesus’ ministry. His perfect life. His followers. It’s easy to read through and envision Jesus’ life as the ideal. He never made any mistakes. He always had people who wanted to hear what He had to say. He performed miracles and was the example of being connected to the vine. He is literally God.
He is also completely human. He was tempted by the things of this world. He was (and is) constantly under scrutiny. For every follower, he encountered opposition. for every person who wanted to listen there were others who refused. Even His friends and family doubted his identity.
Jesus’ arrest and death.
He was betrayed. He was forgotten. He was completely and utterly abandoned by every person in His life. And then, at the very end, His Father turned away too.
Broken.
Alone.
Forgotten.
I still forget Him. All the time. I forget the ways He’s been so faithful in my life. I forget to thank Him for each blessing. I forget to invite Him into every day. I forget to give Him time. I forget that He wants to speak and be heard.
I forget that He gets it.
I may be broken but I’m never alone and never forgotten.
Please read this and hear my heart in it. I have felt your encouragement. I have noticed when people have reached out, commented on blogs, sent texts/emails, etc. and it means the world to me. This realization and struggle has given me a richer appreciation for my Savior and that is a gift. I know the truth is that I have support at home and will continue to have the support of V-squad for life.”
