I remember sitting in an abstinence class in junior high. I was interested because we were talking about the “s” word (sex) but I wanted to appear bored and detached because who wanted to admit that they were curious about sex in front of 20-30 other newly-teenager peers? It was the definition of awkward as we all sat there suppressing laughter as the presenter talked about all forms of STDs and pregnancy and all the scary things that sex can bring about. Sex was linked with fear and shame. The woman also took a piece of clear packing tape and had all of us touch it, leaving behind fingerprints and oily residue. The tape lost its stickiness and she made the analogy that chemical bonding that occurs between two people because of sex loses its power with the number of sexual partners one has. Sex loses a lot of what makes it special when it isn’t regarded as something sacred or to be shared with only one other person. This is what I grew up being taught and believing.
This month, team Haven is in Phuket, Thailand doing bar ministry. We walk Bangla Street every afternoon and again at night and sit in the bars talking with the women. Our goal is building relationship and showing them that we just want to hang out because we love them and that we don’t have any hidden agendas. Many of the women work in these bars in order to support their families back at home. In Thai culture, it is the oldest woman’s responsibility to provide financially for the entire family. Economically speaking, working in bars is the easiest way to provide the most money. Many of the women in Phuket are originally from the northern farmlands of Thailand and come from families of rice farmers. The regions they come from are poverty stricken and desperate for financial support in addition to what their farming provides.
Last Monday night, we went out and spent the evening at a local bar off Bangla. The norms here are the farthest thing from what we would consider normal at home. All of the girls ran out to greet us and give us hugs. We are called “friends” and they welcomed us with bar stools, Jenga, Connect Four, and Diet Cokes. Our ministry hosts have established relationships with many of the women, and they all know we are different from their usual customers because we don’t drink. Each of the girls working take turns climbing up onto the bar to dance and then alternate with each other to play games and talk with us. All the while, they also have the responsibility of trying to draw in customers.
I sat on a bar stool watching life happen around me. There were two worlds colliding – the one I was physically living in and the one raging inside of me. I didn’t know how to process all that I was seeing. Talking to the women, it was apparent that working in bars is just a normal way of life. They spoke about their job as I would about some of the jobs I’ve had in the past. I didn’t particularly like them but I did them to pay the bills. Their problems are everyday struggles, shockingly similar to many that you or I would experience. The Lord opened my eyes to my own judgment that I carried into a situation that I was vastly uninformed on.
The majority of the girls who work in the bars also earn money by offering sex to the bar’s customers. I was prepared for that coming into this ministry, but I think I expected there to be an overwhelming weight of shame or something that just wasn’t there. The words from my junior high abstinence class seemed to hold no weight here for these women. There wasn’t any fear or shame apparent regarding sex. As I sat on the bar stool watching everything happening around me, I thought about the tape that had lost all of its stickiness. It didn’t do its job well because it had lost its power. I felt anger on behalf of all these girls because it was like I was watching them being robbed of a sacred gift from God. What was harder still was the complete oblivion to it all. Sex is viewed as business – a means to an end.
Among the varying levels of things the Lord had me process that night, I realized that I was searching for someone to blame. I wanted a face to put with the injustice. I wanted the disgust I felt to be attached to something that could be easily eliminated. My mind went to the men, and sometimes women, who traffic other humans either for sex or labor. Immediately I felt relief at finding someone to hate instead of the helplessness I felt at hating something so broad and vague. In the moments that followed the Lord completely broke me. I was judging everyone around me based on the world’s standards, but expecting to be judged myself against the measure of grace.
The word that followed made me physically feel sick. Humility. Sucker punch to the gut, God. In 1 Corinithians 6:1-11, Paul is writing to the church about lawsuits amongst believers. He literally writes the words I say this to shame you. (If you think I’m kidding, look it up. Verse 5.) He goes on to say in verse 7 The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? Although Paul is writing about relationships between believers, the Lord showed me that in this instance, as I was sitting in the bar, it applied to me and to the people I was so avidly trying to hate. It takes incredible humility to turn the other cheek and choose love and grace when someone wrongs you, but, at least for me, it pales in comparison to choosing grace when another person is being wronged.
Being in the bar and watching worldly vices run rampant evokes multiple levels of emotions within me. There are so many pieces to the injustice that my heart can’t help but to break. How do you put on love when it is so freakin vulnerable? How do you deal in grace and mercy when you feel under attack? How do you wear the full armor of God and stand firm without also seeming condescending? Where is the fine line and how do you walk on it?
I still haven’t fully processed it all and I know there are so many other things the Lord has yet to teach me in all of this. This ministry is hard but beautiful. It has taught me so much about humanity and how much sameness there is in us all. It has taught me how to take the opportunity to love in unexpected ways and in the middle of hard situations. It has given me the choice to lean into God or pull away in isolation. What I can say beyond the shadow of a doubt is that the Lord is faithful. He is faithful in the small things and the big things. He is present and He is active.
Our first night on Bangla, I began to feel overwhelmed walking down the street. My mind started to panic and go into a place of desperation because I thought to myself There is a total absence of love here. I asked the Lord for His perspective and to give me His eyes. He responded gently My daughter, there is so much love here. My love is just as present in the bars and brothels as it is anywhere else. The difference here is that my love is offered but not accepted. My heart shattered alongside the Father’s because I felt a miniscule piece of the depth of rejection His love often receives. He showed me an image of a cloud that hovered right above the heads of the entire crowd. Anyone could have reached up and touched it. The cloud was His love, free for the taking, but everyone was oblivious to it or didn’t want it. I asked what the point of us being here was if nobody wanted to take His love, and He showed me that we are examples of what it looks like to be loved by Him. We are connection points between the cloud of the Father’s love and the earth beneath our feet.
If being in Phuket has done anything, it has showed me more clearly how deep the Father’s love truly is for His creation. His love is patient, kind, does not envy or boast, is not proud. It doesn’t dishonor others, isn’t selfish, isn’t easily angered, doesn’t hold grudges. His love doesn’t delight in the evils of this world but rejoices in heavenly truth. His love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. By His love, grace abounds.
How Deep the Father’s Love for Us Selah How deep the Father’s love for usHow vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory Behold the man upon a cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
