I spent months trying to prepare myself for all the possibilities of the World Race. I went over countless “what if” scenarios in my head and pored over endless expectations of what I was going to experience. From day one, everything I thought to be true and all the framework I constructed in my mind was torn down ruthlessly. I expected this to be WAY harder physically and so much easier emotionally.
There were very few emotions I didn’t expect to encounter on the race, but grief was one that I couldn’t possibly imagine on a mission trip. Our squad is rounding the final corner on month 1 of the race, and going into the final week of ministry, we are beginning to face goodbyes. Yesterday, Isaac came to see us and tell us that today would be the final time we saw him during our stay here in Cote d’Ivoire. The searing pain of loss gripped me in full and I instantly felt any and all control I was clinging to melt away from me. I wasn’t expecting this to come so soon, so when I realized what was happening I felt my walls starting to go up in an effort to protect myself from feelings of sadness and loss.
The Lord has been asking me to trust Him enough to leave my walls down and take my emotions to Him in full. There have been so many times this month where that has been a struggle, but last night was by far the hardest. I retreated to our room and sat atop my plastic sleeping mat and cried with Jesus. I expected it to bring secondary feelings of emotional torture, but being vulnerable before the Lord is actually freeing.
He has brought me to a beautiful place of stripping away physical comforts and breaking down my emotional reservoir so that I could be fully empty and fully bare in order to depend on His strength. As I poured out everything I was feeling, the Lord didn’t take away any of my pain, but I didn’t ask Him to. Rather, He sat with me and held me through it all and brought me quiet comfort.
When I stopped crying, He gently shifted my perspective and allowed me to see this month in a different light. There were so many things He helped me to understand more clearly for which I am grateful.
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I was blessed to have an experience this month that is worth missing. The pain of loss comes after the joy of something beautiful.
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Saying goodbye is only temporary. Whether or not we meet again on earth, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I will be reunited again with all the amazing people we worked with this month because the Lord has gifted us with eternity as a family of believers.
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I will carry sadness home with me to America. When I left for the race, there was the expectation of reunion. Leaving my friends and family wasn’t very hard because I knew that I would see them again before the year was over. I can’t say that there will be an earthly reunion with any of our ministry hosts or the beautiful children that have impacted our hearts in our time abroad. Sadness is okay, and the Lord is showing me that sadness can be a blessing as a reminder of a milestone in your life.
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The Lord gave me a small glimpse of His heart when we choose to walk away from Him. It is hard to accept the fact that I might not ever see Isaac again in my lifetime, but I know that it isn’t permanent. There is at least one moment in every lifetime that people come face to face with God and have a choice to make. When they walk away and choose to never accept Him, God feels the pain of eternal separation. He understands grief and loss far more than I can ever imagine, and it is probably the worst pain God can experience.
All of this goes to show that the Lord is constantly at work and gives a small picture of what He has been doing in my life on the race. Coming to all these deeper understandings yesterday gave me a new passion for ministry and creates this feeling of motivation on a more desperate level to reach the lost. Desperation is typically viewed in a negative light, but I truly think that God desperately wants to spend forever with each of us. He wants us to choose “in”, and He wants to share His abundance and blessings with us.
In the final week of month 1, I am intentionally seeking the Lord and asking for freedom from emotional avoidance. Obviously this isn’t going to be transformed overnight, but I know the Lord desires freedom for my life and wants me to embrace the emotions He created for the human experience. There is work still to be done, and there is growth still to come.
How deep the Father’s love for us
