One of the many things I’m grateful for in my relationship with the Father is His way of getting through to me. He pursues me relentlessly in each season of my life. He knows I need way too much affirmation and He complies even as He calls me to greater faith. In each season, there is usually a theme or something repetitive that He continues to bring across my path.
I had the privilege of preaching last week in the small town of Man. It was totally impromptu, and I mentioned it in my last blog. I was speaking to the youth, which in Africa means people in their 20s. Something I mentioned when I was asked the question “How do you have a relationship with God?” was that God loves you exactly the way you are, but loves you too much to leave you the way you are. I find that to be consistently true in my walk with God. We can never reach a point of “finished” while we are still on earth. He is always gently calling us into deeper relationship with Him and coaxing us into growth. God doesn’t do stagnant.
Although I’m unsure when this theme first started to emerge, God has brought the process of metamorphosis into my life recently. I have spent a lot of time considering the process of evolution and change and what that might mean for me. I was talking to Isaac and I told him that Romans 8 was my favorite chapter in the Bible. Paul talks about relationship and how God pursues us and the permanence in which our relationship dwells when we are in Christ.
As a team, we are actively sharing our testimonies with each other and with those around us. One question that always weighs on my mind is “What if?” What if I had never strayed from God in the first place? What if I hadn’t made that one decision? What if that one person hadn’t hurt me? My mind tends to teeter on the edge of a swirling vortex of over analysis most of the time. I think about how intricately woven together we all are and how my decisions affect those around me in ways I will never understand.
I’m currently reading a book called Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Barton, and in it she talks about growing in intimacy with God. One of the ways she highlights is solitude and meditation. Since this isn’t a practice I’ve ever tried, I thought the race would be the opportune time to start. I decided to take my testimony to God because I wanted total peace despite the fact that there were many times I chose to walk away from Him. I know I’m forgiven and covered in grace, but there is still guilt that I carry.
The first morning as I sat with the Lord, I was watching the bugs fly around and listening to the birds sing. For some reason, even though I didn’t see any butterflies, they were on my mind. The Lord began to play out the change that occurs in a caterpillar for it to become the thing that it was made to be. As lovely as that image was, it wasn’t clicking.
Day 2 rolls around and I go back to the Lord with the butterfly picture and my testimony again asking for peace. Unexpectedly, I gained understanding. The Lord created me to be like a caterpillar. He set me on a specific path with a specific role. Somewhere along the way, I chose to allow the world to start changing me. Slowly but surely, I was wound tighter and tighter into its cocoon until I was unrecognizable on the outside. Internally, I still existed, but it was impossible to go back to the way I began. The funny thing about cocoons is that they’re irreversible. They also produce profound change. When the world gets ahold of you, you do change. In my case, the majority of my testimony has to do with my cocoon, so to speak. The world encased me with its own identity and eventually I was trapped.
The beautiful thing about the Lord is that He is a gentleman. He doesn’t force us to do anything. He allows us to make our own choices, and many times those choices produce change within us that wasn’t part of His initial plan for our lives. What does this mean for us? Are we booted out of His kingdom and left to fend for ourselves? Of course not!
Romans 8:28 says we know that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. He allows us to fail because failure produces growth. If we were all puppets and He controlled us, what kind of relationship would that be?
God doesn’t say that the cocoon disqualifies us from His love. He says that He sees the cocoon and can bring forth something beautiful from within. He doesn’t try to turn us back into a caterpillar. He allows us to emerge a new creation and gives us an amended role. Every road that we take, no matter how far, can come back to God. He brings beauty from ashes and chooses to dwell within each of us. He doesn’t need our perfection, He wants our surrender.
